When I first stopped by the house to get you guys, Gretchen inadvertently left before leaving me the car seats. When I called Gretchen, she made the comment that she was at "Cindy's apartment" and that she'd be back home in less than a few minutes to drop the seats off.
My mind got to thinking: "Cindy's apartment? Did Troy and Cindy sell their house? Did Cindy and Troy get a divorce?"
When Gretchen came back by to drop the car seats off, I asked her about it and she confirmed that Cindy had moved out and they were getting a divorce.
I don't care who you are, divorces suck. Kids, I cannot emphasize enough that marriage is not meant for children. DON'T get married until after you're in your mid 20's. Trust me. You change too much in your younger years and the novelty of sex WILL wear off. It's not worth it.
We are all humans and I completely understand the instinctive need for intimacy and sex. It's in our biological makeup whether you want to believe it or not. Anyways! This is not about that.
Going back to the difficulties of divorce though, I couldn't help but thinking of my own personal experiences and the emotional numbness that people have to go through when it comes to divorce. I'm sure your mother had the same feelings I did. It wasn't easy.
I couldn't help but think how terrible Cindy must be feeling. While we were having dinner at the Chinese restaurant and you guys were squirming in your seats, I was thinking about whether I should go see Cindy. Ya know, offer my support.
I haven't talked/seen Cindy in over 3 years. I try to respect the whole "disfellowshipped" stigma that the family has for me and so I tend to my own business and mitigate any contact I have with them.
However, this was a family issue and I was moved to offer my support, after all, I am still her brother and family.
Well, Gretchen got home later that evening and I was saying my goodbyes to you Brighton when there was a knock at the door. Gretchen said that must be Cindy returning the keys to the van, so I went to the door and opened it.
Cindy looked HORRIBLE. I always resented Troy for emotionally abusing my sister and it looked like the years had taken its toll. I can't say that the past 3 years have been any less withering to me too, but still.
She looked tired and her eyes were bloodshot, probably from the crying.
She looked at me and there wasn't any glint of happiness.
She handed me the keys and said, "Can you give those to Gretchen?"
While looking at her, I said, "I heard about you moving out and I'm sorry about the divorce."
Cindy interrupted me and reminded me that she couldn't talk to me.
"I can't do this Nate...I, I shouldn't even be offering you a greeting."
I was annoyed. I understand the grounds of disfellowshipping but this was ridiculous. Here I am, offering condolences and support to my sister and she can't accept it. How silly.
This is why I really detest the Organization. They strip away the humanity of people one year at a time until someone snaps. It's total garbage
I was angry all this week. I drafted an e-mail that I had no intention of sending, exposing the family for their stupid conduct. While I have gotten angry and made mistakes, I've always tried to do them right no matter how many times that faith has turned around and bitten me in the ass for something I didn't deserve.
Here's the letter I wrote:
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Dear family,
So last week, I had the luxury of running into Cindy as she was dropping off the van. Gretchen mentioned that Cindy moved into her apartment, which naturally caught my attention. When I asked Gretchen what was going on, she said that she and Troy were going to be getting a divorce. I know that Cindy has been wanting out of that marriage for a long time, but I'm still aware that this process is not an easy one and can be very painful. So I couldn't help but feel bad for Cindy's plight.
I had the thought of swinging by her new place and offering my support, but here I was standing face to face with her to get the keys.
As I handed her the keys, I said something to the effect of: "I heard that you and Troy are getting a divorce and I'm sorry..."
While I am saying this, Cindy looks at me and says, "Nathan, don't. I can't."
I replied, "Can't....what?"
"I can't talk with you." During this time, she begins to quote that Apostle Paul about not having dealings and whatnot.
I tried to talk, but I saw that it was useless so I offered Cindy this quasi weird hug and I went back inside.
So here's the deal guys: I get it. I understand very well what it is the Witnesses have to do to those who "step away from the banquet table of Jehovah." I am an outcast.
Us not talking is acceptable to me. I don't try and call you guys everyday trying to convince you otherwise.
However, there are two facts that you all need to understand.
A) I am never going back. Ever.
One of the reasons that we do not talk to Disfellowshipped ones is because they need to be removed from the congregation to see the error in their ways and come to their senses. If that is what you are waiting for from me, it will never, ever happen.
I have my own reasons for never wanting to get involved in an organized religion again and I have no desire to share those reasons. They are my own.
B) You are adults. You have every right to make the decisions you do and so do I. However, even though I am no longer a Witness, I do have rights as a father/son/brother that the Organization cannot take away from me.
Anytime that I get wind that someone is going through a tough time, I have tried to make myself available to help them if I can. I would like to take a moment and take a trip down memory lane. I don't do this to put the screws to you guys, but I bring these up because I know the Organization labels those who no longer follow the faith. Even after I left, I have ALWAYS tried to do right by you guys.
Event 1:
- MOM
When I knew I was getting Disfellowshipped, I called everyone in the family except you since I wanted to tell you in person. You deserved that.
I got the words: "You are a sorry, pitiable mess." I did not deserve that as a human being and your son. I came in good faith and you insulted me to my face. That event taught me that NOTHING will ever get in the way of supporting my kids when they need me. NOTHING.
Event 2:
- MOM
Gretchen asking me to leave the van keys on the drivers seat so that you could take the van to get a washing machine. At first I was confused since I thought, "I'm gonna be here, why doesn't she just come in and get them?"
But that's when I realized that you didn't want to come into the house and have to look at me. How do you think that made me feel? Am I such an awful person that you can't walk into the house and ask for keys for the van I make payments on?
Event 3:
- IAN
Ian, you reached out to me first. You started texting me. You started asking me questions about personal matters. You vented that you weren't happy. I did not initiate that dialogue. You were venting about your terrible job and about your issues with Matt Leggett and I offered to help you get a job with my company since it was a good opportunity. I even offered you a home and a ride to work. Do you remember my one rule I made? "WE DON'T TALK ABOUT RELIGION."
Then when you decided to stay in Maine, which wasn't a problem for me, you sent me an e-mail with words of criticism and scolding:
"You are changing Nate, and not for the better. You are becoming bitter, selfish, and scornful towards people who actually love you."
I have to thank you Ian, that was the event that made me realize that I wouldn't stand a chance having a relationship with my kids if I didn't come back to Maine. See, Ian was a 30 year old man that wanted my help, so I offered.
People fed Ian a bunch of perceived misinformation about me, my life, my motives and told Ian that if he went to Colorado, his spiritual health would be dead in months. Whether that is true or not, that would have been up to Ian, not me.
If Ian recalls, I even offered him a ride to the local Kingdom Hall if he wanted it. I was willing to respect his wishes.
However, when Ian made his decision and used the words:
"You have always had alot of pull with me, and you influence me very easy. If I moved there, and my only support system would be you and Gary, I would be dead spiritually in months. You have a very negative opinion of the organization, one I dont share, but at the same time I could see it affecting me in time. I was moving for the wrongs reasons to begin with. I wanted to run away from the things that were hurting me, and running away wont make it better. I have decided to make a stand and face head on the things causing me grief. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for really pushing for me to get the job, it just sucks that I cannot accept it. You've been there for me, for years, when others ignore me. I wont forget that. We've stuck together through some serious crap, and you have always made the effort to guide me in the right direction. Now though, I am sorry Nate but I cant follow you. You have turned away from Jehovah, something I dont want for myself. I dont hate you for this, or have any bitter feelings at all. But you are wrong Nate. Blaming Jehovah and the organization for the actions of a few is crazy. That would be like holding our entire family accountible for the actions of Truna. It makes no sense."
What I love most about those words are the amount of blame that would fall on my shoulders based on Ian's personal decision. Somehow Ian would merely be a puppet under my diabolical control if he had moved here.
Can you see why this would be upsetting? I'm getting blackballed when all I did was get Ian a job. It's offensive to be branded this when I have don't NOTHING to you guys.
And that's when I realized: My kids grow up hearing that same exact thing every single day. They will be raised to fear those that don't serve Jehovah just like you guys do. Why? Because the Organization loves to paint every exjw as mentally diseased, bitter and crazy. Being on this side of the fence, I see how everything was painted with stereotype. Not every person that left the Organization was a hater. Some left because they didn't it want it, very much like walking out of store without buying bleach. Sometimes we just don't need it. I tried to be a person that wouldn't hate the Organization, but with the treatments I've been getting, I see how hateful it can be.
But my kids, they are children and they are innocent. You are adults, you made that decision on your own. I won't let my kids be swayed by the same thinking that made you all treat me horribly when I have done nothing but offer to help.
I have called the Witnesses a CULT. Yes, I have. I do own that. I don't agree with them and their attitude of "if you don't believe what we do, you are wrong and are wicked" is vile. I will do everything in my power to prevent my children from having to face the pain that so many people have experienced when they wanted OUT of the Organization. There's no clean way of saying "Ya know, this just isn't what I want out of my life..." and being able to walk away. I don't want that for my kids.
Gretchen and I are trying to find an uneasy truce in raising the kids the way we feel is right, but I will not roll over and let my kids think that this kind of conduct that I've experienced is normal and healthy. Its really unnatural.
Just know that when comes to the mental health and welfare of my children, I am in direct opposition to the teachings of the Governing Body/Faithful and Discreet Slave or whatever they are now. Their teachings have destroyed our family and relationships and I won't allow them to get between me and my children.
While we're on the subject of family, I do find it ironic that you are willing to have BBQs last summer with Rodger and Bianca on the technicality that they are not disfellowshipped. Isn't it on conduct and lifestyle that a person is deemed wicked or not?
Rodger has clearly rejected the Organization through actions. His choices have let him regularly experiment with soft and hard drugs, premarital sex, holidays and jail time. Can you explain your justification for association with him and yet treating Dad, Truna and I so poorly? If your answer is baptism, then you are condemning us because we left the Organization, not Jehovah. Logic states that if Rodger rejects the idea of Jehovah and yet you can be friendly with him, that obviously can't be the reason alone.
Do you need to have someone clearly label Dad, Truna and I to soothe your own consciences? I just need to bring out that double standard, that's all. Do you not see it?
But anyways, I still love my family. I just hate what we've become because of what we were raised to believe. I hate to say it guys, but my upbringing and outlook was NOT a healthy one at all. I thought it was, but sometimes you need to see two sides to a story and you'll find the truth somewhere in between. It's just a shame that the Organization doesn't teach that. There is no middle ground and that's where the problem lies.
My crime was not seeing all of this when I was younger, but I was naive. I won't make that mistake again.
Anyways, I'm gonna go back to my life. I'm sure after this letter, you'll realize that I am a 100% lost cause. But I wanted to send this letter to let you guys know how much your conduct has made me detest everything I once stood for.
