I give the Fettucini 4 stars.

Tuesdays nights are my night to have Brighton sleepover. Even if its for a little while, its nice to have someone for company over at my new place.
So with Brighton with me, I decided that tonight we were going to have some Chicken Fettucini Alfredo.
I had this image the other night of a fat plate of fettucini while I was shopping, so I conjured up some ingredients.
Brighton, being 4 years old, is in the phase of liking NOTHING except ice cream and popsicles, so it takes quite a bit of convincing for him to eat anything.
He sniffed the plate once or twice and poked his food around before deciding that he didn't want dinner.
I gave him the look of death and insisted that he eat 3 bites. I stabbed a piece of chicken dipped in alfredo sauce and shoved it into his mouth. He really liked it.
He was surprised at the taste, but then shortly thereafter a heated debate erupted between myself and my 4 year over the quality of my meal.

Rotten kid.

I liked it...

Another one bites the dust

Yesterday morning as I was heading out the door, doing my typical dance routine in shooing this crazy dog that has the insatiable need to jump all over me, I noticed that Donna was sitting on a bench in the backyard.
Donna is my landlord. I don't see her much since I work days and she works as a waitress by night.
So I waved to Donna and just started the idle chit-chat:

"Hi Donna, how goes the work these days?"

"Actually Nate, I haven't been going to work these past couple evenings. I don't know if you heard or not, but I kicked David out of the house this week..."

I could tell Donna was having it rough, so I put my stuff back in the house and sat down next to her.
She looked like a wreck. I could tell that she was half numb and half distraught. I knew that look.

We sat down together and I tried to listen as she expressed her contempt for a man that was involved in a little emotional infidelity with a long-time acquaintance on Facebook. Donna just happened to catch him when he had left his e-mail open.
Deja Vu.

Waves of emotion came and went over the new few minutes. Anger, confusion, bitterness, fear...all of it in one small moment. I understood how she felt and I knew exactly what to do.
I slide closer to her and I extended my arm out and gave her a hug. I know that spot where she is at. The spot where your whole world just flipped upside down and you're not sure what tomorrow will bring.

We sat and talked for a little while.

We discussed the fate of marriage, men and why they do stupid things, the idea of being alone and knowing when to quit when things go bad. It was actually a bit therapeutic.

Selfishly speaking, I just hope we can work together to make ends meet. I kinda like my little apartment.

Love you guys, but it was weird.

Over much debate, I decided that I would head back to Gretchen's and see Dave and Rita.
Lets just say it was awkward...

When I first walked in and saw them, I gave Rita a big ol' hug and she didn't want to let go. Maybe she was trying to express through a hug all the feelings she had inside. I also gave Dave a hug and he did something very similar.

I know they love me. I love them too. But I can tell that it was tough for Dave to find anything to talk about. We conversed about nothing really relevant and I could tell that he was dodging anything that was close to subjects relating to the divorce or my spirituality.
I think Gretchen may have forewarned them about taboo subjects and that I didn't want to be repaired.
Dave did say something about how it was nice to see me and that "we all have our demons to fight off". I don't know what he meant exactly, but I just said "yeah..." and left it at that.

It was weird.

We are he-ah, to pump...YOU UP.

If you've never been to www.reddit.com, I would recommend it if you are interested in reading funny stories, seeing hilarious pictures and obscene threads. Its really just a mish mash of a bunch of things.
Well, I like to read the reddit threads for relationship_advice. Its great, since you can read about other peoples dramas and they are asking others for advice. Of course, most posts under the relationship_advice reddits also cocurrently get put under the crappy_advice threads too.
But still...
As you can imagine, there are tons of young adults with broken hearts asking the world:
"My significant other has dumped me - I'm broken. What do I do?"

Its become a little bit of a joke now, but the same advice gets reposted over and over again.

a) Remove them from your Facebook profile. <--- Pathetic
b) Go to the gym
c) Find a hobby to keep you distracted

As funny as this advice gets, reading it on EVERY SINGLE POST, there is some serious truth to it.

As a result, last night I fit it into my budget to get a gym membership. I've tried before when I was married, but I always let things get in the way of me really doing anything.
Well, I got my membership last night and I went today after work. I really need to get some energy so that I feel energized for the weekends.
I need to get out more. I want to make sure I don't hermit myself in my home feeling sorry for myself.

So with a little sweat, endorphins and testosterone raging through my body, maybe I can keep myself distracted.

annnndddd...my pectorals hurt.

Now what?

If you've read my other blog, you now know how much I've gone through these past 5 years. God, its depressing to write that. I wish I could take back a couple years, but whats done is done.

I've settled nicely into my new place. Its so refreshing to take back some of my life where I feel much was lost.
Its strange that I haven't cried yet over the loss of my marriage. I really believe now that its because I have been mourning for a long time for the death of my marriage, while being married.
Maybe I just don't have any tears left.

Gretchen and I have setup schedules so that I can see the kids on a daily basis. EVERYTHING about my life has changed except my job and my kids.
Friends, family have all expressed their sadness/contempt for me and my decision to end it.
I feel bad for what I had to do, but as I told my counselor:
"I'm sad, but not sorry."

I will admit I'm a bit lonely. Maybe losing my so much of my life at once makes me numb. There's not many people that I can talk to that would really understand what's going on. Sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend; someone who could help me through this process and tell me "everything is going to be okay", but I know that isn't a good idea right now. I shouldn't make the mistake of needing someone else to help me through this. This isn't about pride or stubbornness. This is about self-reliance.

I need to be more than what I am right now.

Dave and Rita are coming up to see Gretchen and the kids and I feel torn. They were so special to me, and I guess they still are. But I'm so wracked with emotions and it makes it difficult to look them in the eye. I don't have that strength just yet. So do I see them or not? I just don't know...