Now what?

If you've read my other blog, you now know how much I've gone through these past 5 years. God, its depressing to write that. I wish I could take back a couple years, but whats done is done.

I've settled nicely into my new place. Its so refreshing to take back some of my life where I feel much was lost.
Its strange that I haven't cried yet over the loss of my marriage. I really believe now that its because I have been mourning for a long time for the death of my marriage, while being married.
Maybe I just don't have any tears left.

Gretchen and I have setup schedules so that I can see the kids on a daily basis. EVERYTHING about my life has changed except my job and my kids.
Friends, family have all expressed their sadness/contempt for me and my decision to end it.
I feel bad for what I had to do, but as I told my counselor:
"I'm sad, but not sorry."

I will admit I'm a bit lonely. Maybe losing my so much of my life at once makes me numb. There's not many people that I can talk to that would really understand what's going on. Sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend; someone who could help me through this process and tell me "everything is going to be okay", but I know that isn't a good idea right now. I shouldn't make the mistake of needing someone else to help me through this. This isn't about pride or stubbornness. This is about self-reliance.

I need to be more than what I am right now.

Dave and Rita are coming up to see Gretchen and the kids and I feel torn. They were so special to me, and I guess they still are. But I'm so wracked with emotions and it makes it difficult to look them in the eye. I don't have that strength just yet. So do I see them or not? I just don't know...