Brain, you are getting annoying and it's messing with my life!

For a person who lives with his heart on his sleeve, I think way too much. Many times, it has served me well.
Stephanie has complimented me numerous times saying that I'm the most mature and level headed man she's ever met, but...it's a two-edged sword.
With as much as I think, I have also talked myself out of doing a lot of things that maybe I should have just followed my heart and done.

Ironically enough, Helen and I are in the process of getting back together. It's funny, I'm one of those people that once I've analyzed a situation enough and made a decision, I follow through. However, with Helen, I made the decision that we wouldn't be able to make a relationship work without really letting her say her peace.
As I result, I broke her heart without her fully understanding the problem.

When the events of last week happened, I felt something I wasn't expecting. I was really taken back with myself and decided to analyze why I felt the way I did.
As a result, we ended up talking the next morning after I wrote my last angry blog. She was taken back that I was so upset and she realized that I did still have feelings for her. She wanted to salvage the situation and honestly, I realized I did too.

What does that mean? I don't know yet.

I feel like I do love her, but logistics have always been a problem. I do want to try and make this work since we do get along very well and I go have great affection for her, but a piece of me just worries...
I hope that I'm just thinking too much again. Either that, or I'm paving the way to breaking her heart...again.

Whatever happens, I want to make sure that we're both making the decision and not because I'm just thinking too much.

I just don't know who you are...

Ok, I lied. I'm angry.

It's not justified, but my image of you has now changed. I legitimately tried to find another person that made me happy to replace the hole in my life, but hearing that you're sleeping with some random guy just...because...lessens my opinion of you.

It may be all my fault that we're in this situation, but things are no longer the same between us and I don't want to be with a person who gives herself away with no sense of honor or commitment.
Maybe you've compromised your own standards to get where you are, or maybe this was you all along...either way, it leaves me disappointed.

I won't condemn you to your face since I am guilty too. However, I am a bit shocked and hurt that you would try to replace a feeling we once had with some scuzzy fling with some guy who you haven't given the time to respect you.

Oh well, you always said that life was a bitch...but maybe now you'll realize life is what you make of it.

I just don't know who you are anymore.

/rant

Why is my heart broken?

Helen texted me again today at work. It's really no new thing since we've still been keeping touch even long after I ended things. Sometimes I wonder why I did, but I keep coming to the answer that it was too risky since I never really had enough information to know that we were good together.

But back to the texting. We exchanged the typical pleasantries that were common;

"hey, how are you?"
"Good, good. How are things with you?"

ect ect.

I know I broke her heart when I ended it months ago and I could always detect in her tone when she was having a bad day. However, today she was rather chipper. She used the word "peachy" which caught my attention. When I asked her what was going on, she simply said,

"Not sure you want to know. Mostly I'm trying to enjoy myself."

I knew what that meant and somewhere deep inside, my heart sunk.

Yeah, she met someone online and has slept with him. Helen says that it means nothing and that she's not looking for a boyfriend, but the thought of her sleeping with another guy just made my blood boil.
Why? Why now?

I have already done this to Helen, so I was in NOOOO position to be angry with her and I really wasn't. I was jealous. Why should I care? I was the one that ended it. I was the one that broke Helen the news that I was seeing another girl. Why am I so bothered by this?

I don't have an answer today. Maybe I will tomorrow or next week.
I really hope this isn't true love and I'm just being a total idiot...