If love is a battlefield, I'm the holocaust.

A lot has happened over the past couple years. With all the events that have happened, I've never really mentioned much about Danielle. I feel I need to write this as my final goodbye, since she was a very significant person during a very tumultuous part of my life.

What can I say? Well, I wish we had met during better times. I honestly think we both needed each other during the dark transitions we were going through and I think we both were better people in bitter the end. Maybe our relationship was always meant to have a shelf life, I don't know.

I guess I just wanted to say, "thank you". Thank you for sharing your struggles with me. Seeing your
struggles helped put mine in perspective and it taught me a lot about who I am. It really did. Even though we were both pretty broken and worn people, I feel that those two years definitely made us happier. I find it funny how much we had changed physically from when we first met.

Thank you for showing me the world you live in. I now have a better idea of what it means to recover and to persevere through the bad experiences I've had to deal with. I think I'm a more tolerant person to people's plights due to your experience. I won't forget that.

Thank you for being amazing to my children. They still ask about you, even years later. It surfaces a lot of grief when they speak your name, but I have to remember the good that came from it all.

Thank you for being supportive of me when things got really bad. The shame and guilt was too much for me to bear and you tried hard to be patient. I will always remember that I was the one that gave up first.

I guess I also wanted to say sorry. I'm sorry I made a lot of mistakes and I'm sorry we could never seem to get our timing right. Someone was always dealing with something and there were only a few months in-between in all where we were both truly happy. I hurt you one too many times and I wish I hadn't. Maybe, as I feared, I'm just not cut out to care for another when I'm barely enough to care for myself.

One day, I hope to be a better person. One day, I'd like to believe I'll have everything together and this shell of a person I am today will just be a distant memory.

I'm just sorry that you had to be the causality to my own stupidity.

I wish you the peace and happiness you seek, even if it is without me.

Far Behind

I'm sorry I am a mess. I don't know why I am and I'm deathly afraid of dragging you or anyone else down this dark spiral that is my life right now.
I'm really hoping this is just a slump in my life. Maybe I'm processing old emotions and feelings that I've long suppressed just to survive, but I've crashed hard and I know that I have this tendency to hurt those who get involved with me during this time.
I hate hurting people. It's not in my nature, but right now, it seems to be a byproduct of everything I do to find peace for myself.
I feel like I need someone to hold me and help me through the storm, but I've pushed you away during this process.

I hate myself for that. I really do.

I just wanted to write this down and let you know that you didn't deserve that. I didn't mean to, but I did it anyways.

 Far Behind 

 

Now maybe
I did not mean to treat you bad
But I did it anyway
And now maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway
And so maybe
Your friends they stand around they watch your crumble
As you falter to the ground
And then someday
Your friends they stand beside as you were flyin'
Oh you were flyin' oh so high

Good King Midas

In Greek mythology, there was a king known as King Midas. He was a man gifted by the Gods with the ability to turn anything he touched to gold. While King Midas at first thought this was the definition of happiness, he soon lost all joy for life when the food he loved would become consumed and people he cared about would too be turned to gold.

Sometimes I feel like King Midas. Lately it seems that everything I touch, no matter how good my intentions may be, becomes corrupted and sour. It's really worn on me lately and now it makes it hard to want to connect with people. Connection just leads to me disappointing them. I hate that feeling.

King Midas beseeched the Gods for mercy and was instructed to bathe in the River Pactolus for relief, in which he was able to wash the curse away and redeem himself from his greedy nature. He was later dubbed, "Good King Midas" after learning his lesson about greed.

I feel like there's a lesson in here somewhere for me, I just don't know where.