It Only Took Five Years

It has finally happened. This past weekend, I got a text from my ex and she is engaged! My friends have been asking me how I feel about it and remark, "Is it weird?"
Honestly? Not even a little bit.
Though I've changed a lot in my opinions about things, my desire to see Gretchen move on and be happy has not changed at all.
I've had a chance to meet Duncan and he seems a decent fellow. Maybe he and I could have been good friends in another lifetime.

But after a whirlwind four month dating romance, they are now engaged. My gut says he's a good man, I just hope he makes her happy. I'd hate to know what another divorce would do to her.

Speaking selfishly, I'm also thrilled that she'll no longer be alone since she might be a lot easier to deal with. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." That kinda thing.

I'm also grateful that the kids can have another adult in the house and maybe bring some balance in areas where maybe I or Gretchen are not strong in. We shall see.

I'll likely send a card, wish them the best and drop a Benjamin.

If love is a battlefield, I'm the holocaust.

A lot has happened over the past couple years. With all the events that have happened, I've never really mentioned much about Danielle. I feel I need to write this as my final goodbye, since she was a very significant person during a very tumultuous part of my life.

What can I say? Well, I wish we had met during better times. I honestly think we both needed each other during the dark transitions we were going through and I think we both were better people in bitter the end. Maybe our relationship was always meant to have a shelf life, I don't know.

I guess I just wanted to say, "thank you". Thank you for sharing your struggles with me. Seeing your
struggles helped put mine in perspective and it taught me a lot about who I am. It really did. Even though we were both pretty broken and worn people, I feel that those two years definitely made us happier. I find it funny how much we had changed physically from when we first met.

Thank you for showing me the world you live in. I now have a better idea of what it means to recover and to persevere through the bad experiences I've had to deal with. I think I'm a more tolerant person to people's plights due to your experience. I won't forget that.

Thank you for being amazing to my children. They still ask about you, even years later. It surfaces a lot of grief when they speak your name, but I have to remember the good that came from it all.

Thank you for being supportive of me when things got really bad. The shame and guilt was too much for me to bear and you tried hard to be patient. I will always remember that I was the one that gave up first.

I guess I also wanted to say sorry. I'm sorry I made a lot of mistakes and I'm sorry we could never seem to get our timing right. Someone was always dealing with something and there were only a few months in-between in all where we were both truly happy. I hurt you one too many times and I wish I hadn't. Maybe, as I feared, I'm just not cut out to care for another when I'm barely enough to care for myself.

One day, I hope to be a better person. One day, I'd like to believe I'll have everything together and this shell of a person I am today will just be a distant memory.

I'm just sorry that you had to be the causality to my own stupidity.

I wish you the peace and happiness you seek, even if it is without me.

Far Behind

I'm sorry I am a mess. I don't know why I am and I'm deathly afraid of dragging you or anyone else down this dark spiral that is my life right now.
I'm really hoping this is just a slump in my life. Maybe I'm processing old emotions and feelings that I've long suppressed just to survive, but I've crashed hard and I know that I have this tendency to hurt those who get involved with me during this time.
I hate hurting people. It's not in my nature, but right now, it seems to be a byproduct of everything I do to find peace for myself.
I feel like I need someone to hold me and help me through the storm, but I've pushed you away during this process.

I hate myself for that. I really do.

I just wanted to write this down and let you know that you didn't deserve that. I didn't mean to, but I did it anyways.

 Far Behind 

 

Now maybe
I did not mean to treat you bad
But I did it anyway
And now maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway
And so maybe
Your friends they stand around they watch your crumble
As you falter to the ground
And then someday
Your friends they stand beside as you were flyin'
Oh you were flyin' oh so high

Good King Midas

In Greek mythology, there was a king known as King Midas. He was a man gifted by the Gods with the ability to turn anything he touched to gold. While King Midas at first thought this was the definition of happiness, he soon lost all joy for life when the food he loved would become consumed and people he cared about would too be turned to gold.

Sometimes I feel like King Midas. Lately it seems that everything I touch, no matter how good my intentions may be, becomes corrupted and sour. It's really worn on me lately and now it makes it hard to want to connect with people. Connection just leads to me disappointing them. I hate that feeling.

King Midas beseeched the Gods for mercy and was instructed to bathe in the River Pactolus for relief, in which he was able to wash the curse away and redeem himself from his greedy nature. He was later dubbed, "Good King Midas" after learning his lesson about greed.

I feel like there's a lesson in here somewhere for me, I just don't know where.

Love is not something you believe, love is something you do.

Since I've been neglecting this blog for quite a long time, I might be updating this is small flurries to keep you updated as to what has been going on.

About a year ago, Ian ended up getting a job down in Lexington, KY. Ian seems to be happy with the job and while he's been down there, he's been exploring who he is and what he wants.
He's been struggling with a bit of loneliness since he works 3rd shift, so I check on him every once in awhile to make sure he's okay.

A couple months back, he and I decided to go on vacation together. He's never left the U.S. so we hopped on a plane and went to Ireland for a week. We tried to keep the trip as quiet as possible so that he wouldn't receive flack for going somewhere with his evil brother, but it seems that someone did some stalking and reported to Mom that he went with me.


Mom apparently confronted Ian asking whether he went. Ian first replied with, "How did you know? I didn't tell anyone." He also went on to express his frustration that whomever had informed Mom did NOT have his best interests in mind.

This was mom's reply. Immediately, she calls Ian's a liar and that he is toxic. Unbelievable.
It shocks me how my mother is quick to disown people. I want to blame the Organization, but honestly, looking back on my mom's relationships with her family, the way my parent's divorce went down and how she treated me the moment I was disfellowshipped - it all makes sense.
She tends to hold a grudge and discard relationships when they're not on her terms.

Kids, this is an e-mail exchange that you and I will NEVER have. No matter how differently our lives may go, I will always have my mother's example to remind me that family will ALWAYS come before religious outlook or lifestyle choices.

Love conquers all.

I feel like I'm losing you and I'm scared.

Once again, I leave this blog neglected. So much has happened in the past two years and none of it seems relevant to what is going on today.

This weekend you kids came over and we sat around the dinner table for some good ol' Mac & Cheese. During our dinner conversation, Brighton, you brought up the comment of how Mom in her personal study made the comment: "It's very unlikely your father is going to survive Armageddon."

I can't tell you how upset that comment made me. I can't believe that your mother would tell you that I am going to die. It's wrong on so many levels since I can't help but think that I'm some sort of temporary person in the kid's minds.

This whole being an unbelieving father while watching you kids be raised in that environment is such a tightrope act. I desperately want to save you from the harm that upbringing causes, but at the same time, I don't want to cause the trauma that comes with learning that what you believe is wrong. A small child shouldn't worry of such things, but I'm finding that I can't just sit back and let things happen. This whole thing scares me terribly.

Amelia is now beginning to ask why I don't serve Jehovah and I feel like the kids are pressing for me to become a Witness because the "end is close". It's amazing the power and influence that teaching has on my kids and it's making it so hard to not want to metaphorically beat whoever is teaching this garbage with a chair.

A cup of coffee, an MRI and three kids

Sometimes I use this blog to help constructively vent on any negative feelings I have bottled up inside. Saying that, I've noticed that I haven't had an update in a long time, which makes me feel like things have been going well in my life - and they have.

For over a year now, I've been seeing Danielle. Things have been going marvelously and I couldn't be happier in finding someone who truly loves me for who I am. I know that I have my personal quirks that may be annoying, but I feel like she's really gotten to see the real me and it okay with it so far.

It's strange being in this relationship and comparing it to what I had with Gretchen. Gretchen is a good person, but we just seemed to clash on a lot things that just happened to be me and her.
So with all that said, my love life is going really well.

I think my biggest concern right now is both my health and you kids. I recently got back from the Doctor, which was LONG overdue. It seems that I will finally get the MRI that I feel like I really need. I've been having headaches for quite a while and I feel like something has been off for quite awhile. I'm not sure how to explain it, but my memory has been really bad along with the fact that I get really irritable quickly. I just feel something I wrong. When I went to the Doctor and explained my symptoms, he too felt that I should get an MRI asap. So that's been lingering on my mind.

On top of that, I'm a bit lost when it comes to you kids. Brighton, you've always been a smart little boy. Smart and quiet. It's really hard to really know what's going on in your head. I try hard to peel away the layers of your thoughts and feelings and I don't know if I'm doing a good job or not.

Elise, you're very sensitive and delicate. Of the three of you, you're the one I feel needs the protection that a Dad needs to offer. I think you feel a bit threatened over Danielle. I'm not sure if it's because she takes some of my attention or that she is replacing Mom, I don't know.

Amelia, you're great. You're just like your Mom. Strong, independent and don't need help from anyone. That will serve you well later in life.

I hope you kids are happy and that I'm doing you guys right.