I think I made the mistake of feeding a stray cat...

I get the feeling this is going to be another turning point in the road of rediscovering myself. I don't want to make this change, but I feel like my hand is being forced.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being tested by Gretchen. She has known the old me for a long time and knows how to press buttons. Whether she knows she's doing it or not remains to be seen, but she's finally crossed the line.

The cord of being nice, honorable and reasonable has been cut. She has turned into the ex that everyone resents and always describes as "he/she is CRAZY." I don't want to go through all the details, but she obviously has forgotten that we had intentions of being able to work through issues together for the sake of our children. But now, she is on her own. I can't work with her anymore and it's clear she feels that I OWE her for the change in our lives.

Gretchen, I just need to tell you that out of respect for the 9 years we spent together, I did a lot of things that I was never legally obligated to do. While you never asked for them, I wanted to make sure that everything was going to be okay while you adapted to the changes in our life. But now, like a stray cat, you've come to expect this from me as if I was required to do it.

No more. I'm done. Get a job.

One "Goodbye" and one "Hello"

It has been an interesting weekend. This past Friday was Jennifer's birthday party. We all met over at The Mynt and I completely agree with Melinda, I don't like the place.
However, things went much better than I thought when it came to being around her. I did wish her a happy birthday at the beginning of the evening, but I ignored her for most of the night and it worked well.
I've underestimated my sheer determination to flush the girl from my mind and it worked amazingly. I didn't care. At all.
Emily was there and I think being around her really helped put things in perspective. I had an attractive girl sitting by my side and I knew that her and I would be going out on a date the next evening...Jennifer who?
I think Jennifer was a bit upset that I wasn't paying her any attention, but I didn't care...which only enforces my previous observation.

Saturday night though was wonderful. I drove over to Emily's house and we both took the train to downtown Denver, which was a nice experience alone. We walked downtown Denver together and talked about everything. All those conversations that seem meaningless, but in the end mean everything. She was remarkably vulnerable and was willing to share some of it, which I found endearing. She holds her pain close much like I do and one day when we're both comfortable, we'll share the rest together.

I did spend some time prior to the date reassessing my perception on dating conduct. I hate coming from where I do. I have all these tools that have no practical application in the real world and they only lead to friend-zoning myself. As a result, I decided that I wasn't going to kiss her at the end of the date, but I was going to make sure there was some displays of affection.

At one point in the evening, Emily was getting cold and was rubbing her hands together. I offered her my hand and she took it. We held hands for a little while, walking the streets together and trying to focus on conversation, which for me wasn't working well. I think she was having a hard time conversing too and it was cute.

After awhile though, she broke away and said that she wasn't ready for this. "This" being the hand holding. I was surprised that I wasn't hurt at all. It definitely confirmed my suspicions that she wasn't ready for a goodnight kiss. Whew!

At the end of the evening, well...1AM, I walked her back to her apartment and we had an honest conversation. She said that she had a wonderful time and would love to do it again. She had made a comment that suggested she was REALLY into me and I think that I would like to see her again too.

I'm an awesome date.

It feels good to win one every now and then...

Emotional Spring Cleaning - Accomplished!

So last night I had a confrontation with Jen over some stupid antics. I could have let the whole thing blow over and just let her leave, but I'm done with that whole secret resentment scene.

Around 9:30PM last night she called my cell. If there's one thing that you can count on like clockwork, it's that women talk. Add to the fact that Kate and Jen are friends, I was counting on that fact that Jen would hear about me being upset over the night before's events.

I was a bit conflicted, but I decided to not answer the phone.

After a few minutes, I logged on Facebook and saw she was on. I sent her a message:

"Did you call?"

She replied:

"yeah"
"you ok?"

So she knew. But I was going to let her really think this one through before she opened Pandora's Box.

"Yeah, why?"

This was the part where I wanted to her to acknowledge my anger.

"its just you left yesterday without saying bye to me ??"

Nice try dear, but you're gonna have to do better than that, admit that you heard from Kate I was pissed.

"So I guess we both don't have to play dumb here..."

"I think you know."

"You're a clever girl."

Then came the million dollar question:

"I guess its to do with LeRon and I?"

"Right?

Release the Kracken! In the most respectful, but firm way possible I expressed my disdain over the situation. She played the oblivious card with me like she had no idea I would feel this way, but I wasn't going to let her off that easy. I don't blame her for living her own life, but I refused to be an emotional punching bag and that I deserved honesty as opposed to "I didn't want to hurt you, so I decided to subliminally chip away at your own self-respect."

The conversation got heated, but I wasn't going to back down on how I felt. I had been lied to, I had given the best parts of me to her and she loved the attention. But that was it.

We got each other upset, but in the end I think we were able to reconcile. She desperately wanted to remain friends since she valued my friendship, which is ironic how they say that after they kick you in the stomach, but I made it clear that while we could be friends, it wasn't going to be the same since I had to protect my own dignity. She understood. Maybe.

After I got off of Facebook, I felt better about myself. I took a stand for conduct that I wasn't going to tolerate anymore. My Emotional Spring Cleaning has begun and everything I had for Jen is being taken out with the trash.

It was time to get some positive going in my life. So I finally asked Emily out on a date. She accepted. So I am going to see her both Friday night at Jen's birthday party and then we'll have a date night on Saturday. I am looking forward to seeing Emily, she seems like a nice girl and has had life hand her a few blows as well, so maybe she won't be in the mood for stupid games. Good. I hate those games.

Being a bitch is an international cuisine...

This blog is meant to be a mental note to yourself. It's going to be come off as a bit angry, but you think it's a righteous anger and you don't regret feeling this way.

Important lesson:

Don't waste your time and energy on people who are not reciprocators. Nate, you are a good guy with a few quirks, (who doesn't?) but if they can't see it, there's no use in trying to convince them otherwise. You were suckered into saying everything she wanted to hear, with nothing in return. Don't tolerate people who use your own sincerity against you.
It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow...but one day, she will grow up and see how selfish she was. Where does a person learn to be like that? Parental upbringing? I don't know.

Either way, it's time to reassess how we treat women so that we never get used like that again. This whole concept of "speaking your mind" and "being honest" just seems to spell disaster and it leaves only bitterness.

Dear Jen, thanks for using me. Now just go home.

I will never forget Helen W.

I'm a little sad. Helen and I have broken up.
While I kinda knew that in the long run it probably wouldn't work, it still stings a bit since she really has been my best friend through all the messes that have happened this year. She really deserved better than for me to break her heart.

The truth though is that I could never survive another year with the relationship being what it was. I probably should never have let it grow to the point it did, but I couldn't help myself. She really is a great girl and if circumstances were different, I would have really enjoyed dating her.

I think there were just too many nights of feeling alone. I don't mind being single, but I really needed to feel a person's touch more than 5 days every 6 months. I think Helen did too. I would rather end it with the possibility of meeting someone here, as opposed to saving myself for a relationship that would never be.

I hope we can still be friends, but I need to give her time to let her wounds heal. Maybe if I can get my life in order, we can pick up where we left off. I just don't know. Either way Helen, you were great and I thank you for a wonderful year of your life.