Sorry Sara, it was a mistake...

I've made another mistake in life that I need to learn from: I kinda suck at relationships.

Maybe it's the timing of the whole thing and that I'm simply not emotionally ready to commit to a woman, but I ended things with Sara last night.
I'm having a hard time staying interested in women these days. Between Helen, Stephanie, Emily, Kate and Sara, who are all perfectly lovely women...I just can't keep myself interested enough to allow a connection to last. I really hate it since it leaves them confused and hurt when I stop pursuing them.

While I know I'm naturally hard on myself, it was tough ending things with Sara. She's a nice girl, but I spent almost two entire weekends not talking with her and I was perfectly okay with it. That's when I knew that I just didn't care enough, which made me realize I had to end it before really anything began.
With these events, I think that maybe deep down I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I seem happy to do what I want and not be accountable to anyone else's feelings or needs.

I just don't want that burden right now.

To all you girls: I'm truly and deeply sorry for being such an ass. I can't seem to help it.

Two Cups of Coffee and a Life Coach

 I woke up this morning and I have been in a bit of a bad mood. It's that teetering balance between being depressed and frustrated.

I'm still trying to put my finger on what is bothering me despite the weekend events. I don't have the answers yet, but I think I'm annoyed with the lack of progress in my life thus far. I need to get things going but I'm just impatient to really put the work into making it happen.
I feel like I have no ambition and motivation to do anything and it's making me mad at myself. I feel like my life is going the way of Ian's. It's easy to see it in another and now I am facing the same problem.

I need to get motivated again.

In harmony with that thought, let's reassess our goals as a reminder:

•  I want to be a Counselor or Psychologist
•  I don't want to have to worry about money
• I want to be able to send my children wherever they want to go and spoil them to make up for their early years.
• I want to retire and move to Ireland and die there

If I'm going to accomplish those things, I need to get to work for the next decade.
(cracks whip)

"just a thought" Grrrr...

Today is a very upsetting day for me and it makes me want to scream. Everything was going fine until Gretchen e-mailed me with the subject "just a thought".

Who ever thought that "just a thought" could do such damage to my day.
In two days, I fly out to Maine. While I greatly look forward to seeing my children, I also have to attend a court hearing about getting my child support adjusted. Honestly, I wanted to work this out between Gretchen and I, but when I told her I couldn't afford to pay the $1,500, she said that if I wanted to get it changed I would have to go through the courts. And so I have.

I don't know if Gretchen realizes this, but I've only done the absolute best I can to take care of the family with one paycheck. I've given her almost everything I've got and haven't whined about it until it was absolutely necessary. But in a few days, I'm going to get my payments reduced in response to her completely dismissing my suggestions to get a full-time job. I know she'd like to be a stay-at-home mom, I get it. When I was making a lot more, I wanted to accommodate her. But I can't do that on my present salary and be able to take care of myself at all. I remember one month of living on $60.

Having her tell me to go to the courts was insulting and I was angry. This was so stupid. I don't know if she was trying to call my bluff or what, but I wasn't bluffing.
With me heading to Maine in two days, I got my "just a thought" e-mail:

 

I was speechless. I was angry.

My ex is suggesting I take a job in Canada. Not because it would bring me closer to the kids, but because I would be making more money. WHAT?!

I think she feels that if I made more money, she could count on my good graces that I would continue to overpay my child support to cater to her preferred lifestyle of being the stay-at-home mom.

How has she become so selfish and delusional? I've been thinking about it all afternoon to try and find a logical reason for all of this. Maybe she has a perspective I don't? 

I asked a coworker and she couldn't see any other reason besides money.

The nearest I can figure, Gretchen is scared. She is scared that her life is going to change and is looking to me to make it okay. She's a smart girl and I don't understand why she hasn't been listening to me. I hope she is able to take care of the kids...