Change is okay. Everyone changes.

As life is, it seems that I'm going through another phase of transition. I can feel like something big is changing inside of me and it's left me feeling a whole circle of emotions.

 Last Wednesday when I went down to see the kids, we decided to take a quick trip to Wal-Mart. Along the way, Elise was doing her thing babbling in the backseat saying "Imma Jehovah Witness."
It was actually really cute since she still struggles pronouncing it correctly.

As she was saying this, Brighton turned around to Elise and passively scolded her and told her to be quiet. This has happened before. I asked Brighton:

"Brighton, why are you telling Elise to be quiet? It's okay."

Brighton got quiet and as I continued to ask, he said that he wasn't allowed to talk about it.
This caught my attention.

Is someone teaching my kid already that he can't talk about spiritual things with me? Am I being shunned by my 7 year old?

I didn't let it go. I told him, "Brighton, you can talk to Daddy about anything you want! Why can't you talk about it?"

"It's a secret. Mom said I shouldn't talk about it."

I see. I didn't press the issue at that time with him, but I decided that I needed to talk to Gretchen.

Fast forward the evening and the kids are in bed. Gretchen gets home and I ask her to take a seat. Gretchen hates confrontation, so I'm sure she was already really nervous.
I told her about the conversation with Brighton and asked her flat out, "Did you tell Brighton that he couldn't talk about Jehovah with me?"

Gretchen began to stumble a little bit with words and finally answered something like,

"Well, I told Brighton that he shouldn't nag you about why you don't go to meetings. I didn't want him to annoy you. I didn't say he COULDN'T talk to you, you know how he gets things mixed up."

She was lying. I've know this woman for years and I knew she wasn't telling me the truth. I was upset.

I've tried to explain over and over again why I don't trust the Organization. I've tried to explain it very simply in order for her to get one small glimpse in how I would feel.
I am not in the wrong to feel that the Organization teaches that we shouldn't associate with "worldly people" let alone ones that leave the faith.
I am disfellowshipped. They teach that we shouldn't have any dealings with them. I am not dumb.

Every time we would have a discussion, Gretchen would say, "Nate, that's not true. They can't take your kids away from you."

Yes Gretchen, they can and do. They've already taken my family away.
She just doesn't get it. She doesn't want to.

Last week though, I told Gretchen exactly why I was upset. I asked her directly, "Gretchen, how would you feel if I told Brighton that he wasn't allowed to tell YOU things or how would you feel if I told Brighton how YOU felt about things? Would you be upset?"

She admitted yes.

I told her that this was a huge breach of trust but she didn't apologize. This only solidified my feelings that this wasn't about "I told Brighton not to pester you about not going to meetings." This was, "Daddy doesn't love Jehovah, so you shouldn't talk about it."

Well, as we talked I could see that my viewpoint and feelings were not being respected. That night, I dissolved my agreement with Gretchen to let her raise them Witnesses without a fight. She asked what that meant and I told her that her faith is a threat to my relationship and that since it was obvious my interests as a father were being threatened, I would fight back.
I told her she was being naive in thinking that the Organization doesn't manipulate children and families. I told her that one day she would see it for what it truly was and she would understand, but it wouldn't be today.
She got upset that I attacked her faith. I did, I did mock her faith. I mock it because it messes people up but they can't see it.

Shortly after shooting words back and forth, she asked me to leave. So I did.

This week, I got an e-mail from Gretchen:

So I spooked your mother and now she doesn't want me in her house. I was upset. Apparently, she can undermine me as a father, but if I attack back, I get penalized. Typical JWs.

Well, going back to my original statement: I feel like I'm in a transitional change when it comes to how I feel about the Witnesses. I once had an uneasy truce, but now...now...they are a spiteful and ignorant people when it comes to reality checks.

Yeah, I'm trying hard to save the kids from this mess.

I had to do it. It was eating me up.

One week ago, I came down to Sanford to see you kids. We ended up going out for Chinese, which you guys barely touched despite the fact that it was your idea to go Brighton. Oh well. Lesson learned.

When I first stopped by the house to get you guys, Gretchen inadvertently left before leaving me the car seats. When I called Gretchen, she made the comment that she was at "Cindy's apartment" and that she'd be back home in less than a few minutes to drop the seats off.
My mind got to thinking: "Cindy's apartment? Did Troy and Cindy sell their house? Did Cindy and Troy get a divorce?"
When Gretchen came back by to drop the car seats off, I asked her about it and she confirmed that Cindy had moved out and they were getting a divorce.

I don't care who you are, divorces suck. Kids, I cannot emphasize enough that marriage is not meant for children. DON'T get married until after you're in your mid 20's. Trust me. You change too much in your younger years and the novelty of sex WILL wear off. It's not worth it.
We are all humans and I completely understand the instinctive need for intimacy and sex. It's in our biological makeup whether you want to believe it or not. Anyways! This is not about that.

Going back to the difficulties of divorce though, I couldn't help but thinking of my own personal experiences and the emotional numbness that people have to go through when it comes to divorce. I'm sure your mother had the same feelings I did. It wasn't easy.
I couldn't help but think how terrible Cindy must be feeling. While we were having dinner at the Chinese restaurant and you guys were squirming in your seats, I was thinking about whether I should go see Cindy. Ya know, offer my support.
I haven't talked/seen Cindy in over 3 years. I try to respect the whole "disfellowshipped" stigma that the family has for me and so I tend to my own business and mitigate any contact I have with them.
However, this was a family issue and I was moved to offer my support, after all, I am still her brother and family.

Well, Gretchen got home later that evening and I was saying my goodbyes to you Brighton when there was a knock at the door. Gretchen said that must be Cindy returning the keys to the van, so I went to the door and opened it.

Cindy looked HORRIBLE. I always resented Troy for emotionally abusing my sister and it looked like the years had taken its toll. I can't say that the past 3 years have been any less withering to me too, but still.
She looked tired and her eyes were bloodshot, probably from the crying.
She looked at me and there wasn't any glint of happiness.

She handed me the keys and said, "Can you give those to Gretchen?"

While looking at her, I said, "I heard about you moving out and I'm sorry about the divorce."
Cindy interrupted me and reminded me that she couldn't talk to me.

"I can't do this Nate...I, I shouldn't even be offering you a greeting."

I was annoyed. I understand the grounds of disfellowshipping but this was ridiculous. Here I am, offering condolences and support to my sister and she can't accept it. How silly.

This is why I really detest the Organization. They strip away the humanity of people one year at a time until someone snaps. It's total garbage

I was angry all this week. I drafted an e-mail that I had no intention of sending, exposing the family for their stupid conduct. While I have gotten angry and made mistakes, I've always tried to do them right no matter how many times that faith has turned around and bitten me in the ass for something I didn't deserve.

Here's the letter I wrote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear family,

So last week, I had the luxury of running into Cindy as she was dropping off the van. Gretchen mentioned that Cindy moved into her apartment, which naturally caught my attention. When I asked Gretchen what was going on, she said that she and Troy were going to be getting a divorce. I know that Cindy has been wanting out of that marriage for a long time, but I'm still aware that this process is not an easy one and can be very painful. So I couldn't help but feel bad for Cindy's plight.

I had the thought of swinging by her new place and offering my support, but here I was standing face to face with her to get the keys.

As I handed her the keys, I said something to the effect of: "I heard that you and Troy are getting a divorce and I'm sorry..."

While I am saying this, Cindy looks at me and says, "Nathan, don't. I can't."

I replied, "Can't....what?"

"I can't talk with you." During this time, she begins to quote that Apostle Paul about not having dealings and whatnot.

I tried to talk, but I saw that it was useless so I offered Cindy this quasi weird hug and I went back inside.

So here's the deal guys: I get it. I understand very well what it is the Witnesses have to do to those who "step away from the banquet table of Jehovah." I am an outcast.

Us not talking is acceptable to me. I don't try and call you guys everyday trying to convince you otherwise.

However, there are two facts that you all need to understand.

A) I am never going back. Ever.

One of the reasons that we do not talk to Disfellowshipped ones is because they need to be removed from the congregation to see the error in their ways and come to their senses. If that is what you are waiting for from me, it will never, ever happen.

I have my own reasons for never wanting to get involved in an organized religion again and I have no desire to share those reasons. They are my own.

B) You are adults. You have every right to make the decisions you do and so do I. However, even though I am no longer a Witness, I do have rights as a father/son/brother that the Organization cannot take away from me.

Anytime that I get wind that someone is going through a tough time, I have tried to make myself available to help them if I can. I would like to take a moment and take a trip down memory lane. I don't do this to put the screws to you guys, but I bring these up because I know the Organization labels those who no longer follow the faith. Even after I left, I have ALWAYS tried to do right by you guys.

Event 1:

 - MOM

When I knew I was getting Disfellowshipped, I called everyone in the family except you since I wanted to tell you in person. You deserved that.

I got the words: "You are a sorry, pitiable mess." I did not deserve that as a human being and your son. I came in good faith and you insulted me to my face. That event taught me that NOTHING will ever get in the way of supporting my kids when they need me. NOTHING.

Event 2:

- MOM 

Gretchen asking me to leave the van keys on the drivers seat so that you could take the van to get a washing machine. At first I was confused since I thought, "I'm gonna be here, why doesn't she just come in and get them?"

But that's when I realized that you didn't want to come into the house and have to look at me. How do you think that made me feel? Am I such an awful person that you can't walk into the house and ask for keys for the van I make payments on?

Event 3:

- IAN

Ian, you reached out to me first. You started texting me. You started asking me questions about personal matters. You vented that you weren't happy. I did not initiate that dialogue. You were venting about your terrible job and about your issues with Matt Leggett and I offered to help you get a job with my company since it was a good opportunity. I even offered you a home and a ride to work. Do you remember my one rule I made? "WE DON'T TALK ABOUT RELIGION."

Then when you decided to stay in Maine, which wasn't a problem for me, you sent me an e-mail with words of criticism and scolding:

"You are changing Nate, and not for the better. You are becoming bitter, selfish, and scornful towards people who actually love you."

I have to thank you Ian, that was the event that made me realize that I wouldn't stand a chance having a relationship with my kids if I didn't come back to Maine. See, Ian was a 30 year old man that wanted my help, so I offered. 

People fed Ian a bunch of perceived misinformation about me, my life, my motives and told Ian that if he went to Colorado, his spiritual health would be dead in months. Whether that is true or not, that would have been up to Ian, not me.

If Ian recalls, I even offered him a ride to the local Kingdom Hall if he wanted it. I was willing to respect his wishes.

However, when Ian made his decision and used the words: 

"You have always had alot of pull with me, and you influence me very easy. If I moved there, and my only support system would be you and Gary, I would be dead spiritually in months. You have a very negative opinion of the organization, one I dont share, but at the same time I could see it affecting me in time. I was moving for the wrongs reasons to begin with. I wanted to run away from the things that were hurting me, and running away wont make it better. I have decided to make a stand and face head on the things causing me grief. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for really pushing for me to get the job, it just sucks that I cannot accept it. You've been there for me, for years, when others ignore me. I wont forget that. We've stuck together through some serious crap, and you have always made the effort to guide me in the right direction. Now though, I am sorry Nate but I cant follow you. You have turned away from Jehovah, something I dont want for myself. I dont hate you for this, or have any bitter feelings at all. But you are wrong Nate. Blaming Jehovah and the organization for the actions of a few is crazy. That would be like holding our entire family accountible for the actions of Truna. It makes no sense."

 

What I love most about those words are the amount of blame that would fall on my shoulders based on Ian's personal decision. Somehow Ian would merely be a puppet under my diabolical control if he had moved here.

Can you see why this would be upsetting? I'm getting blackballed when all I did was get Ian a job. It's offensive to be branded this when I have don't NOTHING to you guys. 

And that's when I realized: My kids grow up hearing that same exact thing every single day. They will be raised to fear those that don't serve Jehovah just like you guys do. Why? Because the Organization loves to paint every exjw as mentally diseased, bitter and crazy. Being on this side of the fence, I see how everything was painted with stereotype. Not every person that left the Organization was a hater. Some left because they didn't it want it, very much like walking out of store without buying bleach. Sometimes we just don't need it. I tried to be a person that wouldn't hate the Organization, but with the treatments I've been getting, I see how hateful it can be.

 But my kids, they are children and they are innocent. You are adults, you made that decision on your own. I won't let my kids be swayed by the same thinking that made you all treat me horribly when I have done nothing but offer to help.

I have called the Witnesses a CULT. Yes, I have. I do own that. I don't agree with them and their attitude of "if you don't believe what we do, you are wrong and are wicked" is vile. I will do everything in my power to prevent my children from having to face the pain that so many people have experienced when they wanted OUT of the Organization. There's no clean way of saying "Ya know, this just isn't what I want out of my life..." and being able to walk away. I don't want that for my kids.

Gretchen and I are trying to find an uneasy truce in raising the kids the way we feel is right, but I will not roll over and let my kids think that this kind of conduct that I've experienced is normal and healthy. Its really unnatural.

Just know that when comes to the mental health and welfare of my children, I am in direct opposition to the teachings of the Governing Body/Faithful and Discreet Slave or whatever they are now. Their teachings have destroyed our family and relationships and I won't allow them to get between me and my children.

While we're on the subject of family, I do find it ironic that you are willing to have BBQs last summer with Rodger and Bianca on the technicality that they are not disfellowshipped. Isn't it on conduct and lifestyle that a person is deemed wicked or not?

Rodger has clearly rejected the Organization through actions. His choices have let him regularly experiment with soft and hard drugs, premarital sex, holidays and jail time. Can you explain your justification for association with him and yet treating Dad, Truna and I so poorly? If your answer is baptism, then you are condemning us because we left the Organization, not Jehovah. Logic states that if Rodger rejects the idea of Jehovah and yet you can be friendly with him, that obviously can't be the reason alone. 

Do you need to have someone clearly label Dad, Truna and I to soothe your own consciences? I just need to bring out that double standard, that's all. Do you not see it?

But anyways, I still love my family. I just hate what we've become because of what we were raised to believe. I hate to say it guys, but my upbringing and outlook was NOT a healthy one at all. I thought it was, but sometimes you need to see two sides to a story and you'll find the truth somewhere in between. It's just a shame that the Organization doesn't teach that. There is no middle ground and that's where the problem lies.

My crime was not seeing all of this when I was younger, but I was naive. I won't make that mistake again.

Anyways, I'm gonna go back to my life. I'm sure after this letter, you'll realize that I am a 100% lost cause. But I wanted to send this letter to let you guys know how much your conduct has made me detest everything I once stood for.

Apostate? There's a first...

So this past weekend, there was a District Assembly up in Augusta that Gretchen took you kids too.

I had taken interest in this specific assembly because there was a symposium on Saturday that warns about dealings with "Apostates".

It's funny, when I was in the Organization, Apostates were people who specifically worked against the Organization and were hateful. But now, through the word for word outline posted online, this symposium was more aggressive labeling ANYONE who steps away from the table of Jehovah as hateful, bitter, mentally diseased and full of lies.

Honestly, I don't care what anyone thinks of me leaving. It was my choice and it was the right one. However, I care greatly about my kids and my future with them.

These kinds of talks teach hatred and lies about who I really am and how I really feel.

I told Gretchen that I didn't want the kids to be there on Saturday. She'll never understand why and I'm tired of explaining to her that the Witness are beginning to get very prejudice and hateful in their views of those who don't prescribe to their faith. How stupid.

It's time to teach the kids tolerance. I want them to see other lifestyles and compare. I just find their world view to be naive and ignorant and I don't want my kids to become clones to that lifestyle simply because no other options were laid out before them.

Am I apostate by wanting something better and healthier for my kids?

Fine, I'm an apostate for my kid's futures.

What a paramount shift.

These past couple weeks have been a whirlwind of events. I honestly didn't know life could change so much in such a small period of time.

A couple weeks ago, I met up with Holly again. It was really nice to be around her, but after a couple meetings, I realized that its just not the same with her. Something feels wrong and I don't dare give my heart to her again.
Not long ago, she expressed that she wanted to try again and I was a bit dumbfounded. What changed on her side that would make her want me now?
Well, it doesn't matter. I sent her an email this morning saying that I wanted to be friends and nothing more. If she doesn't want that, I wouldn't blame her.

I've been seeing a girl named Danielle. She's really great. There's some things that I'm closely watching about her, but she's very kind and mild. I like her.
So I'm gonna explore this while thing with her and see where it goes.

Work has been going well. I just finished training a new guy that will be my boss. He's a cool guy and I'm happy since we got along great when I was in Colorado.
It'll be good for my performance reviews later. :)

I want a vacation though.

Would you call my name out loud?

Shortly after writing my last entry, I got a text from Holly. Earlier in the week we had made very tentative plans to meet for a cup of coffee. Quite honestly, I didn't think it would happen at all. But to my surprise, she came through.
We both carpooled together and went to go look at some condos up near where I live. At first, it was really hard. I haven't seen her in close to three months, so there was a flood of thoughts going through my head at just about every given moment. Within about twenty minutes though, we were back in our groove. I really missed her. Despite all that has happened, it was apparent that we both still have residual feelings that have survived the carnage.
We had some good conversation at the coffee shop and then we went back to my place and killed an hour talking.
We talked a bit about our lives and how she had been seeing this guy Kevin, but there was zero attraction. I thought that would stab me in the gut, but it didn't. I knew she was probably dating someone as I have been, so I couldn't be upset.
As we were talking, she was really unloading about how unhappy of a winter she had. I don't know how much of that was relating to me, but I know she's lost a few friends and the doctors appointments relating to her child bearing years coming to a close. It was strange, I think that was the first time I've seen her cry.
We did talk a lot about us. She brought up age again. I think she's beginning to feel older than ever now.
I'm just gonna take this slow now. I don't know where it's going, but my head is in a better place to handle this series of events.

Blindsided on an idle Sunday morning

Another weekend coming to a close and I'm feeling a bit lost. I don't know why this door is left open, but it makes me hurt and I'm getting weary over it.
Maybe I need to cut her out completely, but she has this way of blindsiding me on random days and it just ruins my mood.
I wish I was a bit stronger, but I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of resisting the ghosts that live in my life.
I just want to be loved and happy and something deep in my being aches for it to be her, but it kills me in the process.
I have a girl that I'm seeing, Danielle.
She's really great. She's kind, mature, gentle and a dreamer. She's young and beautiful too.

Why do I still secretly crave Holly?

I'm better than this, but I don't know why I can't seem to move on.
I'm tired.
I'm just gonna go to Denver for awhile and clear my head.

10 Swings at the Pedestal

Last night I had a dream about Holly. I don't remember the nature of the dream, but I remember she was in it. I've been working hard lately to really forget about her and keeping myself busy with things like jogging, writing, music and friends.

Maybe it was the 10 inches of snow when Spring was to officially start or maybe it was the dream, but it was a day of gloom for me.

Today I was reading an article regarding getting over another person. It won't lie, it's been tough for me. I don't know why I can't seem to get past this thing on my own, but there were some pointers that I've decided to apply.

One of the suggestions was to remove that person from their pedestal. Now, I never once believed Holly to be perfect, however, it does seem like a good idea to jot down things that bothered me.

Here we go:

1) Her separation anxiety. I knew it would eventually come back to bite her in the ass, but it bit me harder. I hated that she was incapable of cutting bad people out of her life.

2) Crippling insecurity. Calling me a flirt and that whole thing with Emily was not because of anything I had done wrong. She was always worried there would someone younger and prettier.

3) Abandonment issues. I saw this one all along. I accepted that issue, but it was still there and only amplified our problems.

4) Worried too much about what others thought. It always bugged me that she was always so interested about what others thought regarding various issues and events. She needed approval.

5) Self-Absorbed. Maybe she wasn't always this way, but she focused too much on her own feelings and life view instead of how I might see things too.

6) Never apologized. She sucked at this. She rarely admitted she was wrong.

7) She made me feel unimportant. I was always a side project in her life and not the focus. She always insisted that I was, but that falls back to reason #5.

8) She couldn't tell the honest truth. She was always afraid of losing people, so she couldn't answer questions directly with the honest truth. Her explanations and reasons to me were always morphing and changing which made me skeptical regarding anything she said.

9) Bad friends. She has some pretty broken friends. Some sounded really nice, but some were seriously broken people. Birds of a feather. It always bothered me since I didn't understand why she would want these people around her. See reason #1.

10) Baggage. She took her experiences from past relationships and brought them into ours which wasn't fair to me. Her experiences with Eric apparently made her the expert in matters of money, child support and relationships. I resented that.

I'm sure she could generate a whole list of problems with me too and that's fine. I accept my flaws. The difference between us was that I wasn't too consumed in my own pain to not want to work on these issues.

I should have listened to Dave, Tracee, Betty, Brian, Dad, Angela and ironically enough Helen that Holly was bad news for me.

But yet this all hurts...it hurts bad.

Life is hard, but it gets better with time.

It is February. I feel the yuckiness of the transition back to Maine beginning to fall away and now I'm back to my life.
I really like the new place! I'm super antsy to get my furniture on Saturday so that I can sleep in my brand new bed. I've really missed having my own bed to sleep in. It's been like almost 4 months and I owe my back. It's mad at me.

My social life is starting to pick up too. I went to a Match.com event and made a couple friends out of it. It's quite funny and we all have a laugh about how none of us scored dates, but made some friends. We're goofy. But I'm looking forward to hanging out with Sarah, Jason and Katie more, they're great.

Holly and I don't really speak all that much these days. She's been in a bit of a slump and I think she's facing a bit of a crisis over her life. I think she's beginning to feel like she's not going to have what she wants out of life: A healthy relationship, children and friends and family that love her.
I really feel bad. I wish I could help her, but she's not reaching out and I think it's inappropriate for me to do any more than what I have.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that struggles with life, transition and reality. Life is hard sometimes.

But life is getting better for me. I'm eager for things to happen and I wonder what is around the corner for me? Patience is not a strong suit with me.

January 1st, 2013. A good start.

I feel that Holly and I have made our peace. 

I've had a lot of emotions and feelings lately and in between personal illness, cars being towed and passive-aggressive roommates, I just don't want to have any more drama right now.

We met last night at a McDonald's down the road from where I am currently living. Holly was right though, there's some SCARY people that go there. These are my neighbors. I'm glad I'm getting out and moving to a decent area, I can't get out soon enough actually.

But here I was, sitting at a table with Holly and we probably spent 2 hours just talking about everything that has happened between us. Mostly the bad things that occurred and the wherefores and whys.

It felt good to air out our frustrations and how things got so bad for us. I think she does have a small glimmer of hope that I'll get better and we can start over. At least I hope she did.

I told her that I loved her and she asked me, "Do you think that with all that has gone on that maybe your feelings are being a bit amplified?"

"Absolutely." I said.

I hope she didn't take it that my feelings weren't real and that it was just me being caught in the moment, but I do acknowledge that I feel like I need her now more than ever. A shoulder to cry on or driftwood to cling to while waiting for the storm to pass.

But in the end of all things, she makes me happy when I'm with her. There's a connection there that makes us both smile and considering what we've been through, there hasn't been a lot of reasons to smile.

I think she sees something in me that I just don't. But I've always been super hard on myself anyways. Not sure why. It's probably all those years in the faith reminding me I could be so much more if I only...

But that's not what this blog is about.

As we spoke, it was hard not to remember the times we've shared. 

The first time I saw her standing at the monument near the Eastern Promenade.

The time we laid in bed all afternoon reading books and talking about setting goals together.

The night we went to dinner together and then went to a concert.

Seeing her excitement when she got to high-five one of her musical heroes.

Playing Scrabble, having wine and talking.

All good things. It made me forget the feelings I had of being alone and abandoned by her and I all I wanted to do was sit there all evening talking about everything and being in her presence.

After a couple hours, we both got up and left. When we got outside, I gave her a hug. It was probably one of the longest hugs I've ever shared with someone and I didn't want to let go. When I felt her embrace loosening, I held her even tighter and she responded back. My head fell into her shoulder and I savored that moment with my Holly.

I don't know how the story ends kids, but dad has been a mess these first few weeks of being here. It's a hard journey and all I have are you three and a broken connection with a girl that I'm trying to repair and make right.

I've struggled and fought for too long and I feel like I deserve to be happy now.