I've had a lot of emotions and feelings lately and in between personal illness, cars being towed and passive-aggressive roommates, I just don't want to have any more drama right now.
We met last night at a McDonald's down the road from where I am currently living. Holly was right though, there's some SCARY people that go there. These are my neighbors. I'm glad I'm getting out and moving to a decent area, I can't get out soon enough actually.
But here I was, sitting at a table with Holly and we probably spent 2 hours just talking about everything that has happened between us. Mostly the bad things that occurred and the wherefores and whys.
It felt good to air out our frustrations and how things got so bad for us. I think she does have a small glimmer of hope that I'll get better and we can start over. At least I hope she did.
I told her that I loved her and she asked me, "Do you think that with all that has gone on that maybe your feelings are being a bit amplified?"
"Absolutely." I said.
I hope she didn't take it that my feelings weren't real and that it was just me being caught in the moment, but I do acknowledge that I feel like I need her now more than ever. A shoulder to cry on or driftwood to cling to while waiting for the storm to pass.
But in the end of all things, she makes me happy when I'm with her. There's a connection there that makes us both smile and considering what we've been through, there hasn't been a lot of reasons to smile.
I think she sees something in me that I just don't. But I've always been super hard on myself anyways. Not sure why. It's probably all those years in the faith reminding me I could be so much more if I only...
But that's not what this blog is about.
As we spoke, it was hard not to remember the times we've shared.
The first time I saw her standing at the monument near the Eastern Promenade.
The time we laid in bed all afternoon reading books and talking about setting goals together.
The night we went to dinner together and then went to a concert.
Seeing her excitement when she got to high-five one of her musical heroes.
Playing Scrabble, having wine and talking.
All good things. It made me forget the feelings I had of being alone and abandoned by her and I all I wanted to do was sit there all evening talking about everything and being in her presence.
After a couple hours, we both got up and left. When we got outside, I gave her a hug. It was probably one of the longest hugs I've ever shared with someone and I didn't want to let go. When I felt her embrace loosening, I held her even tighter and she responded back. My head fell into her shoulder and I savored that moment with my Holly.
I don't know how the story ends kids, but dad has been a mess these first few weeks of being here. It's a hard journey and all I have are you three and a broken connection with a girl that I'm trying to repair and make right.
I've struggled and fought for too long and I feel like I deserve to be happy now.
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