Lover After Me

Earlier this morning, I was driving down Rt 111 to go see the kids. As I was driving, I was listening to Savage Garden's Affirmation CD. That CD is probably my only pop CD, so if I need some bubblegum music, that's the CD I'll end up listening to.
On that CD, there's a song that I kinda like called, "Lover After Me".
The song is basically about the writers plea to a girlfriend expressing how even after seven months, he cares for her and continues to lament how she has picked up another lover.
For some subconscious reason, I found myself listening to that song over and over again.

Last night, I saw Holly again.

Brian is back in town and he expressed a desire to get together with Holly and Kyra. I've honestly been a bit scared of the idea simply because of the past couple weeks, but Brian is my best friend and I would do anything I could for him.
I was really scared. Not because I was afraid of Holly as a person, no, I was afraid of myself. I had a decent week where my thoughts of her didn't haunt me and now here she was sitting directly in front of me.
I asked Brian to drive the conversations for me since I knew it would be hard to be myself. It's ironic since generally it's the other way around for the two of us. He did a great job though and I'm grateful for that.

During the ramblings that Brian would go through, Holly and I would look at each other. They weren't the casual stolen glances either, they were stares.
I get lost in her eyes. She will win every staring match we will have because she makes me feel vulnerable. I don't want to feel vulnerable right now. I want to feel strong, determined and independent. But I think she sees through me.
As we looked at each other, I tried to say the things I wanted to without ever saying a word. Things like,"I'm sorry." "I missed you" and "I don't want to hurt you anymore."
She returned my gaze back as if to say, "It's okay." "I'm glad to see you too."
Without saying much, she came over and wrapped her arm around me and we shared a few words.

During our time there at the pub, we all had a joke about how much of a dive this place really was. The men's bathroom was pathetically small and Brian and I cracked a few jokes about it.
Kyra then prompted to Holly that she should go check it out. When Holly stood up to go, Kyra then said, "Nate, you should go with her." I knew what Kyra was doing and I wanted to go along with it.

Holly and I walked to the bathroom which was not more than 5 feet away and we joked together about how small it really was. While I was standing next to her, she looked up at me and remarked about how tall I was. She always liked that I was taller than her.
During this time, it was just her and I. Nothing else existed. No Brian, no Kyra, nobody. We were together and it felt good, even if it was for a moment.
While we were joking and smiling, I looked at her. Then I looked at her lips. Then back at her eyes.
WHAT AM I DOING?!?!

I wanted to kiss her.

The moment I realized that my instincts were going to betray me, she caught on too.
She tried to walk away, but she was not a half a step from leaving before she turned and kissed me softly.
I missed her kiss. I missed her perfume and I missed her. That half second changed everything and suddenly everything that had happened these past couple weeks was gone.

As we walked back to the table, I had hoped that Kyra and Brian didn't see what had just happened.
I was supposed to play it cool. I was going to be a rock tonight, but my defenses went down and I kissed her. Or she kissed me. For the remainder of the evening, parts of the unguarded and unhurt me came back. I was having fun with her again.

When it was time to go, we all stood in the roadway offering our lingering goodbyes.
Holly came over to me and gave me a hug that lingered two seconds longer than any platonic hug should be in my mind.

As I got in the car with Brian, we had a fairly quiet ride back to his mom's house. He knew that I was processing all that had happened that evening and I think even he realized there was a lot more going on than he understood. When we got back, I immediately went to bed. I was absolutely exhausted emotionally and it was only 9:30PM...

Just before I closed my door to go to bed, Brian asked me, "Hey Nate. Would you have wanted to stay out with the girls longer if the opportunity had presented itself?"

"Yeah, I would have."

Then I closed the door. It was the best evening in a long time.