Lover After Me

Earlier this morning, I was driving down Rt 111 to go see the kids. As I was driving, I was listening to Savage Garden's Affirmation CD. That CD is probably my only pop CD, so if I need some bubblegum music, that's the CD I'll end up listening to.
On that CD, there's a song that I kinda like called, "Lover After Me".
The song is basically about the writers plea to a girlfriend expressing how even after seven months, he cares for her and continues to lament how she has picked up another lover.
For some subconscious reason, I found myself listening to that song over and over again.

Last night, I saw Holly again.

Brian is back in town and he expressed a desire to get together with Holly and Kyra. I've honestly been a bit scared of the idea simply because of the past couple weeks, but Brian is my best friend and I would do anything I could for him.
I was really scared. Not because I was afraid of Holly as a person, no, I was afraid of myself. I had a decent week where my thoughts of her didn't haunt me and now here she was sitting directly in front of me.
I asked Brian to drive the conversations for me since I knew it would be hard to be myself. It's ironic since generally it's the other way around for the two of us. He did a great job though and I'm grateful for that.

During the ramblings that Brian would go through, Holly and I would look at each other. They weren't the casual stolen glances either, they were stares.
I get lost in her eyes. She will win every staring match we will have because she makes me feel vulnerable. I don't want to feel vulnerable right now. I want to feel strong, determined and independent. But I think she sees through me.
As we looked at each other, I tried to say the things I wanted to without ever saying a word. Things like,"I'm sorry." "I missed you" and "I don't want to hurt you anymore."
She returned my gaze back as if to say, "It's okay." "I'm glad to see you too."
Without saying much, she came over and wrapped her arm around me and we shared a few words.

During our time there at the pub, we all had a joke about how much of a dive this place really was. The men's bathroom was pathetically small and Brian and I cracked a few jokes about it.
Kyra then prompted to Holly that she should go check it out. When Holly stood up to go, Kyra then said, "Nate, you should go with her." I knew what Kyra was doing and I wanted to go along with it.

Holly and I walked to the bathroom which was not more than 5 feet away and we joked together about how small it really was. While I was standing next to her, she looked up at me and remarked about how tall I was. She always liked that I was taller than her.
During this time, it was just her and I. Nothing else existed. No Brian, no Kyra, nobody. We were together and it felt good, even if it was for a moment.
While we were joking and smiling, I looked at her. Then I looked at her lips. Then back at her eyes.
WHAT AM I DOING?!?!

I wanted to kiss her.

The moment I realized that my instincts were going to betray me, she caught on too.
She tried to walk away, but she was not a half a step from leaving before she turned and kissed me softly.
I missed her kiss. I missed her perfume and I missed her. That half second changed everything and suddenly everything that had happened these past couple weeks was gone.

As we walked back to the table, I had hoped that Kyra and Brian didn't see what had just happened.
I was supposed to play it cool. I was going to be a rock tonight, but my defenses went down and I kissed her. Or she kissed me. For the remainder of the evening, parts of the unguarded and unhurt me came back. I was having fun with her again.

When it was time to go, we all stood in the roadway offering our lingering goodbyes.
Holly came over to me and gave me a hug that lingered two seconds longer than any platonic hug should be in my mind.

As I got in the car with Brian, we had a fairly quiet ride back to his mom's house. He knew that I was processing all that had happened that evening and I think even he realized there was a lot more going on than he understood. When we got back, I immediately went to bed. I was absolutely exhausted emotionally and it was only 9:30PM...

Just before I closed my door to go to bed, Brian asked me, "Hey Nate. Would you have wanted to stay out with the girls longer if the opportunity had presented itself?"

"Yeah, I would have."

Then I closed the door. It was the best evening in a long time.

Drunk blog 1.0

I've never done a drunk blog, so what the hell. Today has been a wretched, but booze had made it better.
I have nothing besides you kids. Maybe you will be my universal constant until you get old enough to decide.
As for today, I am alone. Maine has become my worst nightmare and there's nothing I can do about it. I will survive, but my mind has taken a blow.
I can't do anything but sit here drunk and wonder why, but I'm on my own and I have to deal with it.

So sad.

I'm sorry, but there's no point in telling you.

Well, I haven't been this mad in a long time.
Somehow, all the worst elements of me have come to the surface so I have to congratulate the girl for doing that since nobody has gotten this out of me. Holly and I are no more and never will be.

She broke my heart and unleashed a hatred for all those that have abandoned me.

While I'm not proud of the words I said, I refuse to be used like I was. Thanks for dangling the carrot Holly.

A shot in the arm.

Man, I've been writing a lot lately. Must be in a very reflective mood.
I'll be leaving back for Maine here tomorrow, but this trip was very much needed.
Seeing my father again was a good shot in the arm. He could tell something was off, so we sat over some Chinese and I vented a bit over everything that was going on. It felt good since I just don't have that in Maine.

It was really good to be back in the office. Stephanie and Betty were thrilled to see me and having a tight hug from the both of them really made me feel important and loved. I missed them.
Dave was up to his usual antics and had me laughing within 30 minutes of being there. While the office floor is now crowded and messy, I do miss it.

I had my yearly review with Todd and that went really, really well. He was really happy with my work and these past couple weeks, I've gotten a lot of recognition for my work efforts which made me feel appreciated.

Brian is coming into town this coming Saturday, but I won't see him for a couple days. I'm kinda wondering what is going through his head. I think he really wanted us to be able to get together with other people for Christmas, but I don't think it going to happen.
Ahhh well Brian, it's just as it always has been...you and me.
Maybe we'll just hit the pubs together and just enjoy the time we have. I think he also wants to see the Hobbit too, so I have to arrange that.

Other than that, I feel better. It's good to be here in Colorado again and though I'm leaving, I think this was what I needed to keep on' keepin on'.

I'm going to see Holly this Saturday evening, provided she gets better. The flu is flying around in Maine and Colorado and I feel like I'm trying to dodge both storms. God I hope I don't get it...

I still don't know what to do with her.
She's a hard read now when at one time she was an open book. I miss that.
My thoughts linger around her and sometimes I just want to smack myself and wish I was like every other guy that could just move on and bang some random and get over it.

Me and my frickin standards. They ruin everything.

Romantic Idiot.

Today I'm going to be heading back to Denver for a business trip. Honestly, it feels like I'm heading back home to see my family. Who would have thought that I would have grown so attached to a place and people, but Portland doesn't feel like home at all.

Yesterday was a lousy day. I found out from Holly that her Uncle had died. I already knew that ramifications of that statement and that she'd have to start seeing her family, which I know scares her to death. I feel for her.
I remember her and I talking one evening when I was still in Denver about how these things would happen and that we would have to face our families again no matter how hard we try to replace them. She disagreed and reiterated her strong stand, but the truth was there. Now, her worst nightmare is coming true too. She has to face her family and I wish I could be there with her. I've never wanted to be at a funeral so badly and I know she deep down needs that.
I felt bad for her and desperately wanted to talk to her.
I've been through a whirlwind of emotions regarding that girl and it makes me feel tired and helpless.

We talked last night and I had to find out the truth. I was upset and discouraged over her e-mail a couple nights before and I had to know whether I needed to kill these feelings I have for her and just move on. Even now, I'm more confused than ever.
Where is that line of being romantic and waiting for your love to be ready and being the dumbass that can't take a hint? That's where I am. Which am I?
It's hard because I feel like she avoids me and it makes me feel worthless. I hate feeling worthless because its a feeling that brings out the absolute worst in me and I can't fix that right now, it's probably all she sees and nothing else. How else can I prove her wrong? Right now, I can't and I know Holly. She's already over thought me to my very core and I can't defend it.

It's makes me sad.

So I guess I'm going to just have to build this alone. I wanted to have Holly there so we could practice our lives together, but that's just not going to happen and thinking about it makes me stall.
So Denver, here I come. But before I do, I need to go look at an apartment this morning.

Paul makes me weary.

Reason, season or a lifet...eeeh shaddup.

...and now it is over. I got an email from Holly yesterday saying that she couldn't pursue a relationship and just wanted to be friends. Oof!

Call me a jerk, but I don't do friends with exes. If there was one thing I learned from her, I don't like someone having 15 guy friends that she may/may not have dated before in the past. So I have the need to cut ties now. I need to salvage a lot of wasted emotion and just vent on my blog.

While I understand that she may feel she isn't ready, I know that her Therapist has been influencing her to decide. I guess I can't blame her, but I now wonder when she'll realize that her problem isn't that she leads with her heart, but that she's so afraid of losing people that she doesn't listen to her own gut. She tends to listen to everyone around her and almost gets tricked into bad situations.

I feel like I tricked her. I don't even now if she ever loved me. Maybe she was in love with the idea of a person who wanted her. That was my problem before and it's come back to bite me again.
Today, I feel like I was betrayed. She got everything she wanted by me being here and now she shrinks away.
I hope she and Jeri are happy together, they sound like a great couple. The good news is that Jeri isn't an abusive alcoholic.

God this place sucks so hard.

How about them apples?

Last night I spent the rainy night indoors.
I decided to watch a movie on Netflix and saw that "Good Will Hunting" was available. I remember seeing it before and I liked it, so I said "Ehhhh, why not?"

Man, was I in for a wallop. It's been so long since I've seen it that I completely forgot about some of the main elements of the movie and I was really blind sided.

There's a scene where Matt Damon's character Will gets in a fight with Minnie Driver's character Skylar. The fight was about her wanting to move the relationship further along by inviting him to move to California with her. Once he realizes the realism of the situation and how he would have to ante up and get closer to her, it became a threat.
Throughout the movie, there are various subplots and interactions that Will has with various people in his life that showed that he was afraid to make real connections.
During that fight with her, Skylar told him that she loved him.

"All you have to say is that you don't love me and I will move on."

She was begging for an answer. SOMETHING to confirm that what they had was real.
Realizing that he had to do something, and with much reservation and cold anger, he said "I don't love you."
The viewer knows he is lying. At scattered points in the movie, he reveals very subtly that he cares for her deeply, but he is petrified about it.

While I don't have those extremes, is that me? Am I really holding back feelings for fear of rejection? Do I not let people really know me because of the pain I once suffered?

If that wasn't depressing enough, the movie took it a step further.

There's a scene where Robin Williams (Therapist) gets into a verbal argument with the Mathematician that wants Will to "just get better" so that Will could achieve the things he couldn't.
Robin's character fights hard to defend Will's right to choose and that's when this argument erupts.

I had to pause the movie for a moment. Is that me? Am I merely a boy who feels abandoned by the people who were supposed to love me? Maybe I'm more damaged than I am willing to admit. Why does a stupid movie have a ring of truth to it? 

Maybe our own psyche knows the wrong, but with things such as pride, determination and denial, we either don't listen or don't hear it.

I heard something last night.

While I don't see myself as Will Hunting since he was definitely more aggressive and violent, I do recognize the Skylar fight though I've never had it. I do recognize the argument between Sean and Lambeau even though I've never heard it.

Holly, I'm going to send you this blog. It's just something that went through my mind last night.
I'd really like to let you in. Maybe I haven't been lately and it's come across as cold and that I don't care, but that's not true.

What have I done?

This is week two and man, I feel alone. I will endure this and will get my own apartment here soon...maybe things will improve then.
Things will never be the same with Holly. I feel that we are over. She seems to busy for me and it stings deeply since she knows how difficult this all is for me. I'm upset at how little support she's offered when I know that if the situations were reversed, I'd be right there for her.
It makes me mad just thinking about it.

I'm heading to Chicago next week for a company dinner and conference. I'm really excited since I get the chance to see Joey and Betty. A little taste of home will do me some good.
This is gonna be tough.

and we're back...in Maine. Again.

After a long 34 hour drive, I am now back in Maine. I've been here a week now and it seems that I already have a bout of home sickness for Colorado.
My dreams of Maine have not been shattered,since, well to be honest, I never had them in the first place. Being here is no fanciful wish, no, being here is a necessity. I have to do this for the kids.
But when the kids aren't around, I sigh.
Since I've been here, not a lot has really clicked per se.

My living situation is not ideal at all, but I will endure while I get settled and save some money for my own apartment.
My social life is kinda a joke. I've been hanging around with Holly which is nice, but I haven't been able to connect with ANY of my past friends. Everyone seems buried in their own lives and there wasn't much of a celebration when I mentioned I was back in town.
I've been reaching out to people, but just not a lot of reciprocation that suggests this is something they really want. I need to rebuild my social life.
I do have to say though, the one thing that HAS been working for me is my work. Which honestly, is quite unexpected. I wasn't sure how I'd do working from home. I know my tendencies to get distracted. However, it seems me working from home has maximized my productivity to a whole new level. Maybe quiet environments is exactly what I need to get things done.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop called Breakfast in Paris and I really like it. Kinda reminds me of Paris a little bit...
I think I'll try and make this part of my morning routine. Bring in my laptop, order a coffee and pastry and just reflect on my life. I do need to clear my head though and consider this a new start and not try to rebuild what I once had, it's just not here anymore.