Romantic Idiot.

Today I'm going to be heading back to Denver for a business trip. Honestly, it feels like I'm heading back home to see my family. Who would have thought that I would have grown so attached to a place and people, but Portland doesn't feel like home at all.

Yesterday was a lousy day. I found out from Holly that her Uncle had died. I already knew that ramifications of that statement and that she'd have to start seeing her family, which I know scares her to death. I feel for her.
I remember her and I talking one evening when I was still in Denver about how these things would happen and that we would have to face our families again no matter how hard we try to replace them. She disagreed and reiterated her strong stand, but the truth was there. Now, her worst nightmare is coming true too. She has to face her family and I wish I could be there with her. I've never wanted to be at a funeral so badly and I know she deep down needs that.
I felt bad for her and desperately wanted to talk to her.
I've been through a whirlwind of emotions regarding that girl and it makes me feel tired and helpless.

We talked last night and I had to find out the truth. I was upset and discouraged over her e-mail a couple nights before and I had to know whether I needed to kill these feelings I have for her and just move on. Even now, I'm more confused than ever.
Where is that line of being romantic and waiting for your love to be ready and being the dumbass that can't take a hint? That's where I am. Which am I?
It's hard because I feel like she avoids me and it makes me feel worthless. I hate feeling worthless because its a feeling that brings out the absolute worst in me and I can't fix that right now, it's probably all she sees and nothing else. How else can I prove her wrong? Right now, I can't and I know Holly. She's already over thought me to my very core and I can't defend it.

It's makes me sad.

So I guess I'm going to just have to build this alone. I wanted to have Holly there so we could practice our lives together, but that's just not going to happen and thinking about it makes me stall.
So Denver, here I come. But before I do, I need to go look at an apartment this morning.

Paul makes me weary.