Just do it!

Just as a reminder to yourself Nate: The girl is waiting on you. Make your move and just kiss her, ok?

Believe me! With me being you, I am right. A kiss is a small thing to people out here. It's not a big deal, but it makes a huge difference to them.

Plus you've heard it enough times that it must be a scientific fact: Nate, you are an AMAZING kisser!

Just do it and move things along. You'll thank me later...

It's Christmas. What am I supposed to do?

As mentioned up above, it's Christmas. The flurry of Christmas wishes that bombard me on Facebook make me wonder what I am doing. What does a person do on Christmas? Spend the day with loved ones exchanges gifts and best wishes? 

While I am not technically alone today, I do kinda feel it. Today is the first day in a while that I am feeling in limbo over where my life is right now. It's just another holiday that currently has no meaning and I don't know what to do with it.

With me not knowing what I should do, I went upstairs and grabbed a broom and started sweeping some dust bunnies that I notice awhile back. While sweeping, I popped in some music and started to sing. This is it. This will be my new tradition. Singing on Christmas day. Everything else is moot.

I hope that this time next year, I can look back and be proud of the events of 2012. So much has gone wrong this year and it almost makes me cry thinking about it. I will never forget 2011 though.
A year of growth, life lessons learned and mourning.

Today, I think of you kids. I love you all very much and I hope I can be the best father you could ever ask for. While your mother and I believe very different things, I hope that one day you'll appreciate our two perspectives in life and get the BEST of both worlds. (No pun intended)

I love you.

Almost like something from the movies...

I had the chance this past weekend to see Sara again. With it being close to Christmas, her schedule has been a bit wacky, but we managed to meet up on Sunday evening. We met at 8:30PM at this place called the Waterloo in Louisville, CO, which is about 10 minutes from where I live in Broomfield.
What a cute place! It was a small town bar that was charming in its own way. It had a small stage very much like what I had at Cafe.com in Ashland. I guess they have gigs that roll in and out of there and I would love to go back and see how that is.

Sara was again great company. Our conversation flowed very easily and I found her more interesting as the night progressed. I really enjoyed listening to her talk about her days in Venezuela serving as a missionary of sorts, it brought comfort in knowing she understood where I come from as well. I think we both have a lot of similarities that I do find attractive.

After having a drink at the Waterloo, we both decided to walk downtown Louisville a little bit. It actually reminded me a bit of "Radiator Springs" in the Pixar movie "Cars". It was oddly out of place for the area and had a lot of retro feel type stores and bars. Something out of the 50s is the best way I could describe it.

We walked around and talked about various things; life, love, sports...ect. She has a depth to her that I really find interesting. While we were talking, I grabbed her hand and kept her hand warm while we talked. It was odd holding the hand of someone so tall. (Her being 5'11") It completely threw me off. But after a bit, we found our comfortable spot and continued walking.
After doing a big circle of Main street, we got back to her car. Before she could get to her car, I whisked her to a small dark corner and kissed her gently. It was amazing...
It was a kiss to remember since it was that perfect balance of expression, passion with a whole lotta sexual tension. Everything about her body language said she was ready. She wanted me.
The whole thing was horribly romantic. A cold Sunday evening, town quiet with only the Christmas lights to keep us company and nobody to been seen. I couldn't have planned it any better.
We both tried to break away a couple times, but we just kept coming back together. She was wonderful.

After awhile, I let her go and I kissed her hand and bid her goodnight. As she walked away, I realized, I REALLY like this girl.

Sarah and Sara

Things have been going okay for me lately. The holiday season has come upon me and honestly, I don't even notice. I just don't care.
I've filed to get my child support modified in the courts. I feel bad in a small way that I have to do this, but I can say with a clean conscience that I am doing everything I can to take care of my children. If Gretchen doesn't want to work with me on resolving this, then she'll have to be on her own. I hope she is able to step up and do something about her situation.

I found out recently that Steve and Sarah Paul are getting divorced.

I noticed on Bill Drake's Facebook profile that Sarah had responded to one of his updates. However, I noticed that the name was Sarah Drake. Uh oh.
After a couple quick message exchanged with Bill, I found that she and Steve were no longer together. I knew that Steve and Sarah had a LOT of issues. Honestly, I find that is one of the biggest flaws about the doctrine...sometimes things just DON'T work out and people change and there's no room for that.
From what I can gather, when Sarah ended the relationship, she got a lot of flack from the brothers and sisters, which made her decide to leave. While I do mourn the loss of their marriage, I know in the end people have to make decisions that are right for them. Maybe Sarah is doing the right thing, I don't know. Who am I to judge?

I sent a text over to Gretchen expressing my sympathies over losing her friend Sarah. I know they were close. Maybe it wasn't appropriate, but it felt like the right thing to do. While she is no longer my wife, I can't help but feel sorry over her loss.

On another note, I've had the chance to get out and meet more women. This has proven very enlightening and made me realize how much variety there is out there. It's funny how small connections can teach you such big lessons in life and I'm definitely not done learning.

I had a nice first date with a girl named Sara. She's a really nice girl so far and I enjoyed my time with her immensely. She seemed to have a good time too and we'll be meeting up again sometime this week. We'll see what happens...

Ah well, what can you do?

Honestly, it wasn't a shocker at all. I got a Facebook message from Emily earlier this week with the subliminal message of "We should talk..."
After an exchange of messages and one conversation, we both agreed that she wasn't ready to pursue a relationship at this time. I guess her ex-boyfriend made her realize she wasn't ready to get into another. Believe me Emily, I understand.

I'm not broke up about it though. She is a nice girl, but something deep down told me that she wasn't in the position to be able to accommodate me in her life. I knew it, but I think I just waited for her to realize it too.

Emily, it was nice getting to know you and I had a wonderful time that evening, I appreciate the whole experience.

Now moving onward...

This blog reminds me of a Foreigner song

As part of my semi-regular routine, I called Brian on the way home from work. We generally talk about life, love and all the other junk in between. Last night was no different. It seems that Brian has met yet another girl on OkCupid. It's pretty amazing how well he seems to do on the online dating sites. He always has something lined up.

Anyways, as he was beginning to describe this girl, I began to notice a tone in his voice that I haven't heard since we were both 15. When we were both in our mid teens, Brian had met this girl at a District Assembly. She was from somewhere far up north in Maine and I remember Brian once describing an almost electric attraction to this girl when he reached out and touched her:

"I could feel sparks Nate when I touched her!"

I had completely forgotten about that 15 year old exchange up until Brian started talking last night. There was this intensity while he was speaking that made me realize Brian was feeling something new for the first time. I was really happy for him, but at the same time, it left me wondering about myself...

I don't think I've ever had a feeling of such intensity toward any girl I've met. Not Kelly, Anna-Lynn, Tammy, Gretchen, Helen, Jennifer or Emily. Never. Honestly, that kinda made me start to ponder.
Have I just never met the right one? Sure, I've met a LOT of nice girls that I liked. I mean, I married one. But looking back, I don't think I've ever been crazy for one. Should I feel sad about that? I'm turning 32 this month and I've never been head-over-heels for a girl before? I'm wondering if I've been settling my whole life.

Hmmmmm...

I think I made the mistake of feeding a stray cat...

I get the feeling this is going to be another turning point in the road of rediscovering myself. I don't want to make this change, but I feel like my hand is being forced.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being tested by Gretchen. She has known the old me for a long time and knows how to press buttons. Whether she knows she's doing it or not remains to be seen, but she's finally crossed the line.

The cord of being nice, honorable and reasonable has been cut. She has turned into the ex that everyone resents and always describes as "he/she is CRAZY." I don't want to go through all the details, but she obviously has forgotten that we had intentions of being able to work through issues together for the sake of our children. But now, she is on her own. I can't work with her anymore and it's clear she feels that I OWE her for the change in our lives.

Gretchen, I just need to tell you that out of respect for the 9 years we spent together, I did a lot of things that I was never legally obligated to do. While you never asked for them, I wanted to make sure that everything was going to be okay while you adapted to the changes in our life. But now, like a stray cat, you've come to expect this from me as if I was required to do it.

No more. I'm done. Get a job.

One "Goodbye" and one "Hello"

It has been an interesting weekend. This past Friday was Jennifer's birthday party. We all met over at The Mynt and I completely agree with Melinda, I don't like the place.
However, things went much better than I thought when it came to being around her. I did wish her a happy birthday at the beginning of the evening, but I ignored her for most of the night and it worked well.
I've underestimated my sheer determination to flush the girl from my mind and it worked amazingly. I didn't care. At all.
Emily was there and I think being around her really helped put things in perspective. I had an attractive girl sitting by my side and I knew that her and I would be going out on a date the next evening...Jennifer who?
I think Jennifer was a bit upset that I wasn't paying her any attention, but I didn't care...which only enforces my previous observation.

Saturday night though was wonderful. I drove over to Emily's house and we both took the train to downtown Denver, which was a nice experience alone. We walked downtown Denver together and talked about everything. All those conversations that seem meaningless, but in the end mean everything. She was remarkably vulnerable and was willing to share some of it, which I found endearing. She holds her pain close much like I do and one day when we're both comfortable, we'll share the rest together.

I did spend some time prior to the date reassessing my perception on dating conduct. I hate coming from where I do. I have all these tools that have no practical application in the real world and they only lead to friend-zoning myself. As a result, I decided that I wasn't going to kiss her at the end of the date, but I was going to make sure there was some displays of affection.

At one point in the evening, Emily was getting cold and was rubbing her hands together. I offered her my hand and she took it. We held hands for a little while, walking the streets together and trying to focus on conversation, which for me wasn't working well. I think she was having a hard time conversing too and it was cute.

After awhile though, she broke away and said that she wasn't ready for this. "This" being the hand holding. I was surprised that I wasn't hurt at all. It definitely confirmed my suspicions that she wasn't ready for a goodnight kiss. Whew!

At the end of the evening, well...1AM, I walked her back to her apartment and we had an honest conversation. She said that she had a wonderful time and would love to do it again. She had made a comment that suggested she was REALLY into me and I think that I would like to see her again too.

I'm an awesome date.

It feels good to win one every now and then...

Emotional Spring Cleaning - Accomplished!

So last night I had a confrontation with Jen over some stupid antics. I could have let the whole thing blow over and just let her leave, but I'm done with that whole secret resentment scene.

Around 9:30PM last night she called my cell. If there's one thing that you can count on like clockwork, it's that women talk. Add to the fact that Kate and Jen are friends, I was counting on that fact that Jen would hear about me being upset over the night before's events.

I was a bit conflicted, but I decided to not answer the phone.

After a few minutes, I logged on Facebook and saw she was on. I sent her a message:

"Did you call?"

She replied:

"yeah"
"you ok?"

So she knew. But I was going to let her really think this one through before she opened Pandora's Box.

"Yeah, why?"

This was the part where I wanted to her to acknowledge my anger.

"its just you left yesterday without saying bye to me ??"

Nice try dear, but you're gonna have to do better than that, admit that you heard from Kate I was pissed.

"So I guess we both don't have to play dumb here..."

"I think you know."

"You're a clever girl."

Then came the million dollar question:

"I guess its to do with LeRon and I?"

"Right?

Release the Kracken! In the most respectful, but firm way possible I expressed my disdain over the situation. She played the oblivious card with me like she had no idea I would feel this way, but I wasn't going to let her off that easy. I don't blame her for living her own life, but I refused to be an emotional punching bag and that I deserved honesty as opposed to "I didn't want to hurt you, so I decided to subliminally chip away at your own self-respect."

The conversation got heated, but I wasn't going to back down on how I felt. I had been lied to, I had given the best parts of me to her and she loved the attention. But that was it.

We got each other upset, but in the end I think we were able to reconcile. She desperately wanted to remain friends since she valued my friendship, which is ironic how they say that after they kick you in the stomach, but I made it clear that while we could be friends, it wasn't going to be the same since I had to protect my own dignity. She understood. Maybe.

After I got off of Facebook, I felt better about myself. I took a stand for conduct that I wasn't going to tolerate anymore. My Emotional Spring Cleaning has begun and everything I had for Jen is being taken out with the trash.

It was time to get some positive going in my life. So I finally asked Emily out on a date. She accepted. So I am going to see her both Friday night at Jen's birthday party and then we'll have a date night on Saturday. I am looking forward to seeing Emily, she seems like a nice girl and has had life hand her a few blows as well, so maybe she won't be in the mood for stupid games. Good. I hate those games.

Being a bitch is an international cuisine...

This blog is meant to be a mental note to yourself. It's going to be come off as a bit angry, but you think it's a righteous anger and you don't regret feeling this way.

Important lesson:

Don't waste your time and energy on people who are not reciprocators. Nate, you are a good guy with a few quirks, (who doesn't?) but if they can't see it, there's no use in trying to convince them otherwise. You were suckered into saying everything she wanted to hear, with nothing in return. Don't tolerate people who use your own sincerity against you.
It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow...but one day, she will grow up and see how selfish she was. Where does a person learn to be like that? Parental upbringing? I don't know.

Either way, it's time to reassess how we treat women so that we never get used like that again. This whole concept of "speaking your mind" and "being honest" just seems to spell disaster and it leaves only bitterness.

Dear Jen, thanks for using me. Now just go home.

I will never forget Helen W.

I'm a little sad. Helen and I have broken up.
While I kinda knew that in the long run it probably wouldn't work, it still stings a bit since she really has been my best friend through all the messes that have happened this year. She really deserved better than for me to break her heart.

The truth though is that I could never survive another year with the relationship being what it was. I probably should never have let it grow to the point it did, but I couldn't help myself. She really is a great girl and if circumstances were different, I would have really enjoyed dating her.

I think there were just too many nights of feeling alone. I don't mind being single, but I really needed to feel a person's touch more than 5 days every 6 months. I think Helen did too. I would rather end it with the possibility of meeting someone here, as opposed to saving myself for a relationship that would never be.

I hope we can still be friends, but I need to give her time to let her wounds heal. Maybe if I can get my life in order, we can pick up where we left off. I just don't know. Either way Helen, you were great and I thank you for a wonderful year of your life.

Things have changed for the better...

Wow. Its been awhile since I last updated. I hate it when it happens since so many BIG things have occurred.
First off, I finally got a job.
Ironically enough, the job I got was the same job that I was ranting about NOT getting in the last blog entry. The employer called me back days later and decided to hire both myself AND the other guy. Go figure.
The job is going okay. It doesn't pay enough for me to live comfortably, but it does cover the bills and that's all that is important.

Let's see...
I have really started working on my friendships and I've managed to start a good social circle. Most of them are in their mid-twenties, but they are good people.
I now have a new best female friend Kate. She's a great girl.
Many of the guys in the social circle have some sort of romantic connection to her, but she's not interested in any of them.
Not to sound egotistical, but I bet she would go out with me if I asked her. But sadly, she just doesn't rock my world.
Jen however; she does. But she is not interested. Unfortunately, its going to cost our friendship since I don't want to be "friends" while I watch her go out with other guys.
So I'm going to peace out and hope she's happy.

I'm feeling like I'm reclaiming a bit of myself now. I'm getting a bit more confident around people and I have no issues expressing how I feel. I'm glad, I've surpressed feelings for too long.
Ironically enough, I've become quite boisterous and animated and I think that I've gotten a lot of respect from the guys for it. I wouldn't consider myself the alpha-dog, but people look up to me.
Someone said that I had an air of maturity and wisdom. Little do they know where I come from...little do they know.

Helen is coming in a few weeks and I'm really looking forward to that! I miss her. It makes me a bit sad that she's not somewhere near, otherwise I'd date the hell outta that...so I'm left struggling with what to do about it. I like Helen, but I have to be realistic with the fact that I can only see her twice a year or so...
I don't know if I can go on like that or not. I may want a real relationship eventually and it may mean I have to break her heart.

Ah well. I'll figure it out.

Besides that, it feels good to be away from Gretchen and my other family. I couldn't deal with the emotional blackmail. I needed my own life and I'm beginning to achieve it.
I need a better job though.

I'm so tired of this...

Yesterday was a bad day. My father was there in the car when I got a phone call from an employer explaining why I got passed up for another job. I lost it to yet another programmer. This job market is just stupid.
I know its my lack formal training that is destroying my prospects. I'll be honest, it leaves me a little angry knowing that. I can read, write and speak, so I don't understand the problem...
But I still find myself wondering what I want to be. I feel like I am running out of time on my youth and that I should be settling down and get comfortable with what and where I want to be.
I hope my children don't have the same problem. Is it a lack of direction in my childhood? I don't know...

I need a job.

Thoughts for the day

I think I've come to learn that I'm a person with a lot of fear inside of me. Its funny, I find I'm afraid of myself.
I fear my real feelings and it makes it very difficult to express myself to everyone. It has become very obvious and has made itself manifest in my professional interviews, which is crazy.

I need to figure out how to live my life the way that I want to. It feels like I have the answers inside of me, but I won't let them out. How did I become this way?
If it took 10 years to become this way, will it take equally long to undo it? I hope not.

This was way deeper than intended, but that's what is on my mind.

I miss the kiddos like crazy.

You gotta do what you gotta do.

As you may have read in my last blog, I had a huge decision to make. Due to financial reasons and also personal reasons, I reluctantly came to the decision that I needed to move to Denver.
What a long drive.
So here I am in a brand new place, only knowing my Dad and starting to reforge a new life.
I'm doing better than I ever thought I would, but I miss my kids dearly. I knew it was a price that I would pay, but it still isn't easy for me.
I wonder how they are coping with me not being there every day. I want them to know me as a Dad, but not like this. I need stability first. A stability that was hard to find when I was in Maine.

I've made some new friends and they seem to be people of character, which I respect.
There's lots to do and plenty of job opportunities, so I hope something presents itself soon. But I'm saving a buttload of money and I'll be forever grateful to my dad for bailing me out in this crappy time of my life.

Everything in my life has changed once again and I'm trying hard to find that balance where I can be happy, but still be with my kids. I hope I can have both.

Its all just too much and I don't know what to do.

Hi there kids,

I devote this blog to you simply because you all have been on my mind lately.
I have a really tough decision to make and I'm not sure what to do.

These past 6 months have been really hard on me. I've been struggling with financial issues, the emotional turmoil of the family rejecting me and a lot of sickness.
Well, the financial problems are really getting to be a problem where I'm having issues taking care of myself while taking care of you kids.
I don't want to get into the details of finances, but I've done everything I can to keep us afloat, but I'm running out of options.

I can cover you kids and make sure you have a home, but I am left with nothing. I am running a month behind my rent and I'm running out of food.
I want to stay right here next to you kids, since I love you all so dearly, but I haven't been getting many job offers that can allow me to do so.
My father offered me a place to retreat to, so that I can rebuild my life, but that is way out in Colorado.

This scares me kids.
I want to be right next to you. I want to see you everyday. I want to be there for your first day of school Brighton and I want to be there to hear Elise say "I love you Daddy".
But nothing in this world is for free and I need to make sure that I don't default on the van loan and that you have a home to live in.

Your mom and I have been fighting a bit more and more and I think that we see each other a bit too often and it causes stress between us.

I'm trying to decide what is the right thing to do. Should I take the opportunity to move out to Dad's and get resettled in my own life, or should I stick around until I have absolutely nothing left?

I just can't stand the thought of being away from my beloved children.

I love you kids so much and this decision breaks my heart.

It would have been 10 years yesterday

Yesterday was May 26th, 2011. That would have been Gretchen and I's 10th year anniversary if we were still married.
That thought makes me cringe a bit. I can't fathom what kind of mental state I would have been in had I stayed. I was already an emotional wreck, hanging by a thread.
I swung by Gretchen's house to pick up the razor kit to cut Ian's hair. She seemed to be a bit off and I kinda think she was thinking about the day too.
It makes me sad that I hurt her, but I had to for my own personal health.
I hope one day she really understands that.

End of the World

Today is an interesting day. Months ago a religious leader for a radio talk group based out of California predicted that today, May 21st 2011 would be the end of the world...

From my understanding, the apocalypse is time zone based. So there would be a great Earthquake that would start at 6pm in Australia and work its way around the planet. In the meantime, all the faithful would be raptured to Heaven. Pretty crazy, huh?

I have to say that Harold Camping, the man who has miraculously cracked this date from within the Scriptures himself has some balls. I mean, we literally have people selling possessions, emptying bank accounts and quitting jobs in expectation of this date. When this prophecy fails to come true, there's going to be some ANGRY people and it will be his fault.











It's funny how I used to be one of those people. I used to be part of a faith that was always in expectation for the future and setting myself up to fail in the present.
I should have gone to College instead of wasting my time in evangelizing. That decision is definitely hurting me now, now that I want to find a good job. Degrees are important to the real world.

I just found out that there will be an assembly this summer where once again there is a new, revised understanding to the graven image in the book of Daniel. I guess there is new significance to the 10 toes in Daniel's vision. Just makes me facepalm a little bit wondering how I never saw this earlier. Just another carrot thrown out there to keep us baited.

I hope my kids don't make the same mistakes I did and set themselves up for too much failure. Either way, I hope I can bail them out a bit like my father did me.

Thanks Dad.

So I got distracted...

I've really been bad about keeping this up, so I'm going to try and give this another shot.
A LOT has happened since I last wrote.

In between making new friends and losing them, to losing my job, its been a very complicated and difficult start to 2011. I let Gretchen know that she was free to remarry and the Elders hunted me down to disfellowship me. Whatever.

I find myself back into my usual slump where I don't have the motivation to do anything. I want to get out and improve myself, but money seems to slow things down.
I'm doing well on my own. I'm starting to learn how to put my previous life to the side and not dwell on those things.

Its amazing how much my previous religion polluted my way of thinking. I like how I see things much more differently and how silly it was for me to pursue "spiritual things".

I've started to reforge my relationship with my father and we have a lot of catching up to do.
He's getting married next February in New Zealand and he's asked me to be in his wedding as a Groomsman. I don't feel like I deserve it, but I'd be happy to try and make it up to him.

The kids are growing up. My girls are just so pretty and even on the worst days, seeing Amelia and Elise smile at me when I walk in the door really brightens it up.
But there's the possibility of me getting a job soon and maybe I'll move out of Sanford and on to better things...

We'll see.