Lover After Me

Earlier this morning, I was driving down Rt 111 to go see the kids. As I was driving, I was listening to Savage Garden's Affirmation CD. That CD is probably my only pop CD, so if I need some bubblegum music, that's the CD I'll end up listening to.
On that CD, there's a song that I kinda like called, "Lover After Me".
The song is basically about the writers plea to a girlfriend expressing how even after seven months, he cares for her and continues to lament how she has picked up another lover.
For some subconscious reason, I found myself listening to that song over and over again.

Last night, I saw Holly again.

Brian is back in town and he expressed a desire to get together with Holly and Kyra. I've honestly been a bit scared of the idea simply because of the past couple weeks, but Brian is my best friend and I would do anything I could for him.
I was really scared. Not because I was afraid of Holly as a person, no, I was afraid of myself. I had a decent week where my thoughts of her didn't haunt me and now here she was sitting directly in front of me.
I asked Brian to drive the conversations for me since I knew it would be hard to be myself. It's ironic since generally it's the other way around for the two of us. He did a great job though and I'm grateful for that.

During the ramblings that Brian would go through, Holly and I would look at each other. They weren't the casual stolen glances either, they were stares.
I get lost in her eyes. She will win every staring match we will have because she makes me feel vulnerable. I don't want to feel vulnerable right now. I want to feel strong, determined and independent. But I think she sees through me.
As we looked at each other, I tried to say the things I wanted to without ever saying a word. Things like,"I'm sorry." "I missed you" and "I don't want to hurt you anymore."
She returned my gaze back as if to say, "It's okay." "I'm glad to see you too."
Without saying much, she came over and wrapped her arm around me and we shared a few words.

During our time there at the pub, we all had a joke about how much of a dive this place really was. The men's bathroom was pathetically small and Brian and I cracked a few jokes about it.
Kyra then prompted to Holly that she should go check it out. When Holly stood up to go, Kyra then said, "Nate, you should go with her." I knew what Kyra was doing and I wanted to go along with it.

Holly and I walked to the bathroom which was not more than 5 feet away and we joked together about how small it really was. While I was standing next to her, she looked up at me and remarked about how tall I was. She always liked that I was taller than her.
During this time, it was just her and I. Nothing else existed. No Brian, no Kyra, nobody. We were together and it felt good, even if it was for a moment.
While we were joking and smiling, I looked at her. Then I looked at her lips. Then back at her eyes.
WHAT AM I DOING?!?!

I wanted to kiss her.

The moment I realized that my instincts were going to betray me, she caught on too.
She tried to walk away, but she was not a half a step from leaving before she turned and kissed me softly.
I missed her kiss. I missed her perfume and I missed her. That half second changed everything and suddenly everything that had happened these past couple weeks was gone.

As we walked back to the table, I had hoped that Kyra and Brian didn't see what had just happened.
I was supposed to play it cool. I was going to be a rock tonight, but my defenses went down and I kissed her. Or she kissed me. For the remainder of the evening, parts of the unguarded and unhurt me came back. I was having fun with her again.

When it was time to go, we all stood in the roadway offering our lingering goodbyes.
Holly came over to me and gave me a hug that lingered two seconds longer than any platonic hug should be in my mind.

As I got in the car with Brian, we had a fairly quiet ride back to his mom's house. He knew that I was processing all that had happened that evening and I think even he realized there was a lot more going on than he understood. When we got back, I immediately went to bed. I was absolutely exhausted emotionally and it was only 9:30PM...

Just before I closed my door to go to bed, Brian asked me, "Hey Nate. Would you have wanted to stay out with the girls longer if the opportunity had presented itself?"

"Yeah, I would have."

Then I closed the door. It was the best evening in a long time.

Drunk blog 1.0

I've never done a drunk blog, so what the hell. Today has been a wretched, but booze had made it better.
I have nothing besides you kids. Maybe you will be my universal constant until you get old enough to decide.
As for today, I am alone. Maine has become my worst nightmare and there's nothing I can do about it. I will survive, but my mind has taken a blow.
I can't do anything but sit here drunk and wonder why, but I'm on my own and I have to deal with it.

So sad.

I'm sorry, but there's no point in telling you.

Well, I haven't been this mad in a long time.
Somehow, all the worst elements of me have come to the surface so I have to congratulate the girl for doing that since nobody has gotten this out of me. Holly and I are no more and never will be.

She broke my heart and unleashed a hatred for all those that have abandoned me.

While I'm not proud of the words I said, I refuse to be used like I was. Thanks for dangling the carrot Holly.

A shot in the arm.

Man, I've been writing a lot lately. Must be in a very reflective mood.
I'll be leaving back for Maine here tomorrow, but this trip was very much needed.
Seeing my father again was a good shot in the arm. He could tell something was off, so we sat over some Chinese and I vented a bit over everything that was going on. It felt good since I just don't have that in Maine.

It was really good to be back in the office. Stephanie and Betty were thrilled to see me and having a tight hug from the both of them really made me feel important and loved. I missed them.
Dave was up to his usual antics and had me laughing within 30 minutes of being there. While the office floor is now crowded and messy, I do miss it.

I had my yearly review with Todd and that went really, really well. He was really happy with my work and these past couple weeks, I've gotten a lot of recognition for my work efforts which made me feel appreciated.

Brian is coming into town this coming Saturday, but I won't see him for a couple days. I'm kinda wondering what is going through his head. I think he really wanted us to be able to get together with other people for Christmas, but I don't think it going to happen.
Ahhh well Brian, it's just as it always has been...you and me.
Maybe we'll just hit the pubs together and just enjoy the time we have. I think he also wants to see the Hobbit too, so I have to arrange that.

Other than that, I feel better. It's good to be here in Colorado again and though I'm leaving, I think this was what I needed to keep on' keepin on'.

I'm going to see Holly this Saturday evening, provided she gets better. The flu is flying around in Maine and Colorado and I feel like I'm trying to dodge both storms. God I hope I don't get it...

I still don't know what to do with her.
She's a hard read now when at one time she was an open book. I miss that.
My thoughts linger around her and sometimes I just want to smack myself and wish I was like every other guy that could just move on and bang some random and get over it.

Me and my frickin standards. They ruin everything.

Romantic Idiot.

Today I'm going to be heading back to Denver for a business trip. Honestly, it feels like I'm heading back home to see my family. Who would have thought that I would have grown so attached to a place and people, but Portland doesn't feel like home at all.

Yesterday was a lousy day. I found out from Holly that her Uncle had died. I already knew that ramifications of that statement and that she'd have to start seeing her family, which I know scares her to death. I feel for her.
I remember her and I talking one evening when I was still in Denver about how these things would happen and that we would have to face our families again no matter how hard we try to replace them. She disagreed and reiterated her strong stand, but the truth was there. Now, her worst nightmare is coming true too. She has to face her family and I wish I could be there with her. I've never wanted to be at a funeral so badly and I know she deep down needs that.
I felt bad for her and desperately wanted to talk to her.
I've been through a whirlwind of emotions regarding that girl and it makes me feel tired and helpless.

We talked last night and I had to find out the truth. I was upset and discouraged over her e-mail a couple nights before and I had to know whether I needed to kill these feelings I have for her and just move on. Even now, I'm more confused than ever.
Where is that line of being romantic and waiting for your love to be ready and being the dumbass that can't take a hint? That's where I am. Which am I?
It's hard because I feel like she avoids me and it makes me feel worthless. I hate feeling worthless because its a feeling that brings out the absolute worst in me and I can't fix that right now, it's probably all she sees and nothing else. How else can I prove her wrong? Right now, I can't and I know Holly. She's already over thought me to my very core and I can't defend it.

It's makes me sad.

So I guess I'm going to just have to build this alone. I wanted to have Holly there so we could practice our lives together, but that's just not going to happen and thinking about it makes me stall.
So Denver, here I come. But before I do, I need to go look at an apartment this morning.

Paul makes me weary.

Reason, season or a lifet...eeeh shaddup.

...and now it is over. I got an email from Holly yesterday saying that she couldn't pursue a relationship and just wanted to be friends. Oof!

Call me a jerk, but I don't do friends with exes. If there was one thing I learned from her, I don't like someone having 15 guy friends that she may/may not have dated before in the past. So I have the need to cut ties now. I need to salvage a lot of wasted emotion and just vent on my blog.

While I understand that she may feel she isn't ready, I know that her Therapist has been influencing her to decide. I guess I can't blame her, but I now wonder when she'll realize that her problem isn't that she leads with her heart, but that she's so afraid of losing people that she doesn't listen to her own gut. She tends to listen to everyone around her and almost gets tricked into bad situations.

I feel like I tricked her. I don't even now if she ever loved me. Maybe she was in love with the idea of a person who wanted her. That was my problem before and it's come back to bite me again.
Today, I feel like I was betrayed. She got everything she wanted by me being here and now she shrinks away.
I hope she and Jeri are happy together, they sound like a great couple. The good news is that Jeri isn't an abusive alcoholic.

God this place sucks so hard.

How about them apples?

Last night I spent the rainy night indoors.
I decided to watch a movie on Netflix and saw that "Good Will Hunting" was available. I remember seeing it before and I liked it, so I said "Ehhhh, why not?"

Man, was I in for a wallop. It's been so long since I've seen it that I completely forgot about some of the main elements of the movie and I was really blind sided.

There's a scene where Matt Damon's character Will gets in a fight with Minnie Driver's character Skylar. The fight was about her wanting to move the relationship further along by inviting him to move to California with her. Once he realizes the realism of the situation and how he would have to ante up and get closer to her, it became a threat.
Throughout the movie, there are various subplots and interactions that Will has with various people in his life that showed that he was afraid to make real connections.
During that fight with her, Skylar told him that she loved him.

"All you have to say is that you don't love me and I will move on."

She was begging for an answer. SOMETHING to confirm that what they had was real.
Realizing that he had to do something, and with much reservation and cold anger, he said "I don't love you."
The viewer knows he is lying. At scattered points in the movie, he reveals very subtly that he cares for her deeply, but he is petrified about it.

While I don't have those extremes, is that me? Am I really holding back feelings for fear of rejection? Do I not let people really know me because of the pain I once suffered?

If that wasn't depressing enough, the movie took it a step further.

There's a scene where Robin Williams (Therapist) gets into a verbal argument with the Mathematician that wants Will to "just get better" so that Will could achieve the things he couldn't.
Robin's character fights hard to defend Will's right to choose and that's when this argument erupts.

I had to pause the movie for a moment. Is that me? Am I merely a boy who feels abandoned by the people who were supposed to love me? Maybe I'm more damaged than I am willing to admit. Why does a stupid movie have a ring of truth to it? 

Maybe our own psyche knows the wrong, but with things such as pride, determination and denial, we either don't listen or don't hear it.

I heard something last night.

While I don't see myself as Will Hunting since he was definitely more aggressive and violent, I do recognize the Skylar fight though I've never had it. I do recognize the argument between Sean and Lambeau even though I've never heard it.

Holly, I'm going to send you this blog. It's just something that went through my mind last night.
I'd really like to let you in. Maybe I haven't been lately and it's come across as cold and that I don't care, but that's not true.

What have I done?

This is week two and man, I feel alone. I will endure this and will get my own apartment here soon...maybe things will improve then.
Things will never be the same with Holly. I feel that we are over. She seems to busy for me and it stings deeply since she knows how difficult this all is for me. I'm upset at how little support she's offered when I know that if the situations were reversed, I'd be right there for her.
It makes me mad just thinking about it.

I'm heading to Chicago next week for a company dinner and conference. I'm really excited since I get the chance to see Joey and Betty. A little taste of home will do me some good.
This is gonna be tough.

and we're back...in Maine. Again.

After a long 34 hour drive, I am now back in Maine. I've been here a week now and it seems that I already have a bout of home sickness for Colorado.
My dreams of Maine have not been shattered,since, well to be honest, I never had them in the first place. Being here is no fanciful wish, no, being here is a necessity. I have to do this for the kids.
But when the kids aren't around, I sigh.
Since I've been here, not a lot has really clicked per se.

My living situation is not ideal at all, but I will endure while I get settled and save some money for my own apartment.
My social life is kinda a joke. I've been hanging around with Holly which is nice, but I haven't been able to connect with ANY of my past friends. Everyone seems buried in their own lives and there wasn't much of a celebration when I mentioned I was back in town.
I've been reaching out to people, but just not a lot of reciprocation that suggests this is something they really want. I need to rebuild my social life.
I do have to say though, the one thing that HAS been working for me is my work. Which honestly, is quite unexpected. I wasn't sure how I'd do working from home. I know my tendencies to get distracted. However, it seems me working from home has maximized my productivity to a whole new level. Maybe quiet environments is exactly what I need to get things done.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop called Breakfast in Paris and I really like it. Kinda reminds me of Paris a little bit...
I think I'll try and make this part of my morning routine. Bring in my laptop, order a coffee and pastry and just reflect on my life. I do need to clear my head though and consider this a new start and not try to rebuild what I once had, it's just not here anymore.

Yes, this is about you.

You are probably wondering if I think of you. The answer is yes. Yes, it's a Friday afternoon and I'm wondering what you're up to and how you're doing.

But the truth is, you also drive me up a wall sometimes.

Why did you have to hold me at a distance all the time? Why did you always have to question the one good thing I could offer you? I hated that. It made me feel so unimportant and worthless sometimes.
I'm gonna go to Maine with or without you. I'm strong enough either way...but here I am, sitting angry wondering why this whole thing had to be ruined when there was no reason for it to.

I got tired and I didn't want to be the only one keeping it together.
At the end, you made one final attempt to patch it up, but at that time, I had lost faith in us and I felt it was too late.

But here you are in my head and it's pissing me off. I think I need to go out tonight and get a drink.

Reason, Season or a Lifetime

It's funny how life is sometimes. Just when you think you've hit a rut in life and every day is the same as the last, events occur that send things into a whirling vortex of change.

After the events of Ian, I came to the decision that I needed to move back to Maine. Why? Well, frankly...I don't stand a chance of having a relationship with you kids if I live here in Colorado.
Something or someone got the idea into Ian's head that I was somehow a threat that should be avoided and the same could happen for you kids. I need to keep an eye on you guys and make sure that I have a regular influence in your lives to combat the inhumanities that are taught in that faith.
I managed to land a good job in Portland, which was the same job I was really hoping for when I was out of work and living in Springvale. Almost an irony actually.

So in the next month, I am liquidating all my assets here and getting ready to move back. It's kinda scary since I only have 30 days and I still haven't secured where I'll be living yet. But I'll figure something out here really soon. I always land on my feet somehow.

So here I go again on my own. Great song. HA!

What is going to be in store for Nathan when back in Maine? I don't know. I want to be scared, but you kids are there and I have a job to do.
I need money. Heh!

Love you guys!

SHUNNED!

Wow. It's been awhile since I last updated my blog and a lot has happened lately.
Toward the end of August, I flew out to Maine to see the kids again. It was so good to see them. Brighton is really growing up quickly and developing into his own little person.
He seems to have the same gifts for language that I do and makes me curious as to whether Elise or Amelia will have it too. Didn't realize it would be a genetic thing, but all the boys in the Halverson family have it.

I had a chance to meet Holly in person and we really hit it off well. She was good company and there was an immediate attraction on both our parts. She joined the kids and I as we went to the nature preserve in Gray and she did really well. She does have "Step Mom" material about her.

Not too long ago, Ian reached out to me expressing his discontent with being in Maine. He was getting a lot of flack from "friends" like Matt Leggett and he wanted to get away from it all. I understood and later told him that there was a position opening up here in Colorado with the job that I am working.
He applied and was offered the job, immediately accepted and bought a ticket to fly out.
About 2 weeks before Ian flew out, communication suddenly dropped off.
I had left numerous voicemails with no response, so I decided to drop Ian an e-mail. No reply.
I was beginning to think that Ian had died or something, but then I finally got an e-mail from Ian:

"Hey Nate

Sorry I have been getting back to you, its been rather crazy over here getting things organized. There have been some developments that have happened over here, and I need to tell you about them. I guess I will just come right out and say it, I am not going to be moving to Colorado. I'm going to be sending an email to both Betty and the lady I spoke to from Chicago explaining that I appreciate the job offer, but because of circumstances I cannot move to Colorado and thus have to turn the job down. 

Let me explain why. Nate, I want to serve Jehovah, and I cant do it there. I was so desperate for a win, I convinced myself that I could do it on my own. But I was wrong. You have always had alot of pull with me, and you influence me very easy. If I moved there, and my only support system would be you and Gary, I would be dead spiritually in months. You have a very negative opinion of the organization, one I dont share, but at the same time I could see it affecting me in time. I was moving for the wrongs reasons to begin with. I wanted to run away from the things that were hurting me, and running away wont make it better. I have decided to make a stand and face head on the things causing me grief. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for really pushing for me to get the job, it just sucks that I cannot accept it. You've been there for me, for years, when others ignore me. I wont forget that. We've stuck together through some serious crap, and you have always made the effort to guide me in the right direction. Now though, I am sorry Nate but I cant follow you. You have turned away from Jehovah, something I dont want for myself. I dont hate you for this, or have any bitter feelings at all. But you are wrong Nate. Blaming Jehovah and the organization for the actions of a few is crazy. That would be like holding our entire family accountible for the actions of Truna. It makes no sense. Now you are surrounding yourself with people who are feeding into and encouraging these negative attitudes, and its turning you into a different person. Don't say it isnt. I can confidently say I know you better than almost any other person in this entire planet. I know how you think, and I can predict your actions. You are changing Nate, and not for the better. You are becoming bitter, selfish, and scornful towards people who actually love you. Mom loves you, Josh loves you, and I love you. This is so difficult for me to write this, and I had to write this because I would lose my nerve talking to you on the phone. I have to break contact with you Nate. Not because someone told me to, but because you have a lot of influence over me. That, and I need to show Jehovah that my loyalty is towards him. The bible is pretty clear, without any misinterpretation, in regards to this matter. I dont know who told you that the organization has said that even in emergencies Jehovah's people wont have contact with disfellowshipped family memebrs, but its rubbish. I did my research, and its not true. I want you to contact me if something bad happens, I am your family. NOTHING will change that. You are my brother and I love you, more so than most people in this world. But at the same time, you have made a very bad choice, and worse you are surrounding yourself with bitter resentful people who are filling you with bitterness towards the organization. Those people are poison to you Nate. Do you remember how mad you were when Brian told you at the convention that he wasnt going to be one of Jehovahs people anymore? You came to Obi's house to tell me, and you were so angry that you were borderline crying. You didnt cut off contact with Brian, and look what happened. Look where you are now. Can you truly tell me that you are happy? 

Nate please dont try to call me and change my mind, I have made my choice. I thank you for everything you have done, but our paths now go in two different directions. Please, I beg you, think about what you are doing. REALLY THINK. Do you really believe that everything that Jehovah has promised will not come to pass? I dont want to lose my brother. Please, just think about it.

I love you brother

Ian"

This e-mail blew my mind. I don't know who was talking with Ian, but somebody had convinced him that he was making a HUGE mistake being around me. Honestly, this was really hurtful.

People don't know me at all anymore, but yet somehow I'm still painted in this bad light. What did I do? Ian wanted a job, I gave him one. Ian wanted to get outta Maine, I offered him my home as a place to stay.

The e-mail was especially a slap in the face when he turned around began to scold me for my life choices and that I was out to corrupt him. What nonsense! 

I only offered to give him a fresh start and he could make his own decisions. If he wanted to go to meetings, I even offered to give him a ride.

The truth though is that somebody told him I would ruin his faith.

Kids, if you are reading this...I need you to understand what I learned from my whole experience being one of Jehovah's Witnesses: Everyone has the right to decide what is right for them in their lives.

If you decide to stay one of Jehovah's Witnesses. That is fine.

If you decide that do something else with your life. That's fine too.

Either way, you are my babies and I will love you unconditionally either way.

This e-mail, as much of an appeal it is for me to return to the Organization, it's a terrible way to win anyone back: 

"We love you, but you need to do something in order for us to express our love..." doesn't inspire me at all. Instead, it gives me further resolve to reject a line of thinking that I don't share anymore.

I may never speak with my mother or sisters again. I chose to leave the Organization, yes. But I never chose to abandon my relationship with them. As you can see with Ian, he and everyone else severed that connection and there's nothing I can do about that.

My biggest fear in life in that I'll lose each of you kids in the same way...

Just another rant for another day.

Today I'm a little frustrated. Holly, if you are reading this blog, you might not want to continue as it's about you and I'm going to go on a self-authorized rant.



******************************************************************

Maybe I'm being an idiot. Brian and I got into a small verbal tiff the other night talking about this idea of me getting into a possible long distance relationship. He doesn't like them, and that's okay.
But he was insistent on sharing his unsolicited opinions about how it wasn't practical in his eyes and that I probably shouldn't hold my breath. It was just another case of Brian and I disagreeing.

Ironically enough, at that same moment, Holly texted me lamenting on why she was thinking about me. It was nice to talk to this Holly, since her defenses were probably lowered a bit by drink. I've been really wanting more one on one time with her lately since we really only dialogue via Facebook.

Brian mentioned earlier that evening that he was talking to Holly about how "guys don't like talking on the phone." which I thought was silly. But then after thinking about it, Holly and I really only communicate via text and Facebook...which got me thinking:

"Does she think I don't like to talk on the phone?"

As a result, I tried to get Holly to commit to a time to talk on the phone. Her schedule is always all over the place with things going on all the time, but I was happy to hear that I would be able to speak with her while she was driving to Gardiner to see an old friend.
We did talk for a little bit, which was nice but signal loss kinda cut the call a lot shorter than I wanted to. Because of that, we decided that we would talk again on Sunday.

...

Today is Sunday. Around 10am I called Holly just to see when she would have time, but I heard nothing. I feel like I sat around watching the clock wondering when she would call.
There's just nothing worse than seeing the time pass and that it's no longer a matter of "when", but "if" she would call.

She didn't.

Was my day wasted? No. But I do feel really unimportant today. I HATE that feeling.
All I got was silence and that silence was deafening.

I did get a message from Holly tonight on Facebook though. WHY IS IT ALWAYS FACEBOOK? Could I have gotten a call instead? She said her day didn't go as planned and couldn't find time for a call.

I just feel like I'm the only one that feels like this could work and it's irritating me today.

I think I really want this one.

I had my date with Aimee the other night. It was a pleasant time, but in the end without saying it, we both knew it wasn't right and we politely said our goodnights.

I'm still talking with Holly and I really hope this turns into something more. I don't know exactly how things would work, but I'm trying not to sweat the details. I think about her a lot though and it frustrates me that I haven't met someone like her close by.

We've agreed that the next time I go up to see the kids, that we would go out and see if there's further chemistry. I want her in a bad way and its messing with my head.

I remember one time having a conversation with Gretchen about how I'm not a jealous person, but I take that back. I am. When I am emotionally invested in someone, I don't like the idea of them sleeping with ANYONE else, even though we are not committed. I'm still trying to get used to those politics.

This is a good example of why I would be bad at a casual relationship...

A Versa, a girl, a woman and a job.

There's been a lot going on and I haven't really been good about updating, so here we go:

Helen and I didn't work out and never will. She came to visit and we had a nice time getting to know one another again, but in the end of all things, I didn't want it. I sent her a very honest e-mail and I think she understood. She didn't take it nearly as bad as the first time.

My Honda died a painful death, which sucked. The timing was awful since my finances are still a bit shattered, but just as well. I got myself a nice new Nissan Versa which I really do like, so all is not lost. I just have to be REALLY careful with money for the time being.

I've been trying the online dating thing and that's been really frustrating. Such a blow to the ego when you know in person they would respond so much better. I met a girl named Aimee on the rooftop of a friend's apartment building this past weekend. It was her birthday and she was celebrating with friends while I was having beers with the guys. We talked on the roof a bit and she gave me her number to meetup later that evening, but that never panned out.
I asked her out the other night and she agreed, so I'm meeting her in downtown Denver for a shake or something. It should be nice. Though, I'm looking outside and the weather is rather ominous looking...I might have to make a plan B.

I've also started talking to Holly. Holly lives back in Maine, but we met on Facebook through some mutual friends. She's really the full package so far. She's beautiful, smart, articulate, she has a similar background as myself and is just sexy as hell. I really like her.
Last night I spent 3 1/2 hours with her on the phone talking about everything. She's older than I, but we connected very well. I know it sounds crazy since I don't know her, but there's something about her that really consumes my thoughts.

To make my life even more interesting, the company that I work for just got acquired by a BIG company. It's great since there will be a lot more funding to make the necessary expansions we want to and it will likely mean I get a FAT raise. I'll be thrilled if I do. I need it and I want to buy my babies a nice trip.

Love you kids!

Dad loves you and don't you forget it.

This post is for you kids. When I started this blog, I made it with the intention of expressing myself and my feelings during a very difficult time in my life. As I was writing, it became more of a documentary of my life so that one day you kids would get the honest mental thought process I've had during my drastic life changes.

This past weekend, I flew up to Maine to see you kids again. I've missed you guys terribly and I wanted to cry when I walked through the door and saw you kids jumping up and down in excitement. We all had a great time as I took you out and spoiled you rotten doing fun things.
This weekend though, Uncle Ian was telling me how he got into a verbal fight with Kathleen Leggett. When I asked him to elaborate, he said that he got upset when Kathleen mentioned about whether a brother would "adopt" you kids when your mom married again. (During this time, your mother is trying to pursue a relationship with some brother from Northern Maine)

I was angry. Now I know I have to take what Uncle Ian says with a grain of salt, but this would not be the first time that Kathleen has said something before thinking.
Now I don't know the full truth, but the hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I heard this.

I understand that I don't believe the same things that you were raised with. I understand that your mother may eventually remarry and there will be another man that takes you to the meetings, HOWEVER! I will never allow another man to "adopt" my children like you are orphans. You are NOT. You have a father who loves you like no other and I will see to it that I'm always there when you need me.

If you are still in the truth and you are reading this, you need to know that I never wanted to cause you spiritual harm. I really believe that everyone should do whatever it is that makes them a better person and a contributing member of human society.
If pioneering does that, then I will only be happy for you. If you decide to make decisions that maybe I wouldn't agree with, I will still love you.

However, I will not allow anyone try to teach you that your father abandoned you and that you need a male figure in your poor little orphan lives. That is my God given right and right by law.
Hearing about Kathleen's comment made me a little paranoid since I have no idea what happens in the congregation with me not there.
I know that people look at me badly. At one time it hurt, but now...it's just another person's opinion. While they are entitled to it, I'm not going to live my life worrying about what other people think anymore.
Even though they may not like my decisions, I am still your father and I refuse to have people try and undermine my relationship with you kids.

I'm sure they don't go out of their way to tell you about "your awful father", but I do know the messages that you get from the platform and from hearing the way people talk that could paint me as a horrible person. That is simply not the truth and I refuse to let you children be exposed to that. I want to be a good father and I want a fair share in raising you to be as balanced in thinking as possible.

That is my rant for the evening. Just remember I love you kids so much and I hope that as you grow older you will understand how I feel about you and that NOTHING will ever come between us and our love.

Yay! I found my life along side the road...

I believe that I've come out of the year and a half rut that I've been in. I've acquired work that pays the bills, been in my new apartment for two days and the weather is great!

Life is getting good again.

I can't help but look back at the past two years and realize how amazing it was that I've been able to keep it together. When I was still living in Maine I was broke financially, had no friends to encourage me and no family to turn to. While an impossible decision, coming to Colorado was definitely a blessing in disguise. I've had the chance to sort my thoughts and feelings over my previous life and been able to rebuild my new life with people who support me.

I miss my children terribly, but I hope they realize that this decision will definitely pave the way to a better relationship and a better life for them. My job is going really well and I forsee being in a management position in a couple years that will allow me to start saving for my babies. I really love you guys and I hope you understand that the decision to move here was tough, but that I think of you and your futures all the time and I only want the best for you, as any good dad would.

But this is the beginning to my new, self-sustaining life. I hope I have a run of good luck...

Brain, you are getting annoying and it's messing with my life!

For a person who lives with his heart on his sleeve, I think way too much. Many times, it has served me well.
Stephanie has complimented me numerous times saying that I'm the most mature and level headed man she's ever met, but...it's a two-edged sword.
With as much as I think, I have also talked myself out of doing a lot of things that maybe I should have just followed my heart and done.

Ironically enough, Helen and I are in the process of getting back together. It's funny, I'm one of those people that once I've analyzed a situation enough and made a decision, I follow through. However, with Helen, I made the decision that we wouldn't be able to make a relationship work without really letting her say her peace.
As I result, I broke her heart without her fully understanding the problem.

When the events of last week happened, I felt something I wasn't expecting. I was really taken back with myself and decided to analyze why I felt the way I did.
As a result, we ended up talking the next morning after I wrote my last angry blog. She was taken back that I was so upset and she realized that I did still have feelings for her. She wanted to salvage the situation and honestly, I realized I did too.

What does that mean? I don't know yet.

I feel like I do love her, but logistics have always been a problem. I do want to try and make this work since we do get along very well and I go have great affection for her, but a piece of me just worries...
I hope that I'm just thinking too much again. Either that, or I'm paving the way to breaking her heart...again.

Whatever happens, I want to make sure that we're both making the decision and not because I'm just thinking too much.

I just don't know who you are...

Ok, I lied. I'm angry.

It's not justified, but my image of you has now changed. I legitimately tried to find another person that made me happy to replace the hole in my life, but hearing that you're sleeping with some random guy just...because...lessens my opinion of you.

It may be all my fault that we're in this situation, but things are no longer the same between us and I don't want to be with a person who gives herself away with no sense of honor or commitment.
Maybe you've compromised your own standards to get where you are, or maybe this was you all along...either way, it leaves me disappointed.

I won't condemn you to your face since I am guilty too. However, I am a bit shocked and hurt that you would try to replace a feeling we once had with some scuzzy fling with some guy who you haven't given the time to respect you.

Oh well, you always said that life was a bitch...but maybe now you'll realize life is what you make of it.

I just don't know who you are anymore.

/rant

Why is my heart broken?

Helen texted me again today at work. It's really no new thing since we've still been keeping touch even long after I ended things. Sometimes I wonder why I did, but I keep coming to the answer that it was too risky since I never really had enough information to know that we were good together.

But back to the texting. We exchanged the typical pleasantries that were common;

"hey, how are you?"
"Good, good. How are things with you?"

ect ect.

I know I broke her heart when I ended it months ago and I could always detect in her tone when she was having a bad day. However, today she was rather chipper. She used the word "peachy" which caught my attention. When I asked her what was going on, she simply said,

"Not sure you want to know. Mostly I'm trying to enjoy myself."

I knew what that meant and somewhere deep inside, my heart sunk.

Yeah, she met someone online and has slept with him. Helen says that it means nothing and that she's not looking for a boyfriend, but the thought of her sleeping with another guy just made my blood boil.
Why? Why now?

I have already done this to Helen, so I was in NOOOO position to be angry with her and I really wasn't. I was jealous. Why should I care? I was the one that ended it. I was the one that broke Helen the news that I was seeing another girl. Why am I so bothered by this?

I don't have an answer today. Maybe I will tomorrow or next week.
I really hope this isn't true love and I'm just being a total idiot...

I learned something from you, so thank you...

Alas, I must end things with Holly. It kinda breaks my heart since I really do like her, but she really lacks the assertive, opinionated and bold person I really need in my life.

If I was a bit more like Brian, I might have gotten along with her really well, but I find her passivity a bit too much for what I need. I don't need to be in control all the time, I don't need to have things my way either, but I do need someone who can offer her opinions and thoughts on a regular basis. I need someone who can challenge me without being selfish like Gretchen was.

So this weekend, I'm going to have to find a way to end it politely. I feel really bad since I really had a good connection with her, almost too comfortable, but I can't see this being long term and healthy.

I really hope Holly finds the person who is right for her, she really is great.

Stupid Grins and Chuck Taylors...

It has happened! I'm so happy about it, I could burst. I finally met a girl that I am genuinely excited about.
I've had the chance to meet a lot of girls and have had the privilege to date some beautiful and wonderful women, however, not one of them has really moved me or excited me up until now.
I've always tried to keep an open mind even though my heart hadn't skipped a beat with these women.
Maybe love is meant to grow and it can be built from nothing...
I wasn't sure.

But now, I know!

Holly...how do I even describe her? She's energetic and youthful, but passionate and insightful. She's lady like and classy, but rocks Chuck Taylors sneakers that just makes me think she's the cutest thing on the planet.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I've had a couple dates and I'm just addicted to her and her presence. It's ironic, but for the first time in my life, I feel a bit needy. Usually I'm not the one in this position and am saying: "God, give me some space..." but I want to be around her.

I wish I could really identify what it is about her attracts me so, but the feeling of being passionate about another person is just so encouraging. Even if things don't work out, at least I know I'm not a love sociopath. I am capable of having a stupid grin that I can't hide when I'm around a girl...

Red Flags, Rejection and then Resentment

This weekend was kinda rough. I had a great time Friday night going out with some of my coworkers to Left Hand Brewery for a couple drinks, but Saturday evening was just awful.
I logged on to Facebook on Saturday and remembered that one of the guys from the social circle I spent the summer with was having a housewarming party since he recently bought a new condo.

That place was awesome. I'd love to have my own place like that someday. I wasn't really in the mood to go, but I needed to get out of the house and have some fun. It was an 80's themed party and it was rather amusing to be able to find a proper outfit so quickly out of my closet.

(I need to go clothes shopping this next weekend)

I showed up to the party around 9PM thinking I was being late, but I was glad to see that nobody else has a good concept of time and most of the people didn't show up until later. That annoys me a bit for some reason.

Well, the party was awkward for me. I hadn't seen a lot of the friends lately and I think they felt a bit blown off. Anyone close to me kinda knew that I have been in a funk, so some nodded and understood.

The winner of the evening was Kate. I had once considered the idea of maybe starting something with her. But once we had some alone time to talk about it, I saw something that threw a huge RED FLAG. When I called off the whole idea, she got upset. Women...

I haven't really sat down to talk with her, but she definitely seemed to be ignoring me that night. As we danced around from social circle to social circle, we finally collided into the same one for a few minutes. It was rather humorous how much she avoided conversation with me. I wonder if anyone noticed?

Around 11:30PM, I had had enough. As I gathered my things, I went around to everyone and paid my respects. As I was saying goodbye to everyone, there came that moment where I think we both realized that we'd have to bite the bullet and say goodnight to each other.
I walked up to her and said goodbye like it was any other evening and gave her a hug. She tried hard to fake it too, but I could feel her contempt. She made a face that I had seen before when she was expressing her resentment over how things went down between her and Jennifer.

I want to feel sorry about the whole situation, but nothing happened. That's the funny thing, NOTHING ever happened. Maybe our friendship will never be the same. I accept that since it's no new lesson to me. Maybe this is goodbye Kate. I don't know...

Whomever you are, I love you.

This past month has been rather horrible. I find my mind being clouded with the burdens of life and sometimes I feel so stuck in where I am.

While I don't want to put my happiness in the hands of another, I don't think I want to be alone. But I can't be with just anyone. I need you.
I need that person that makes me fall head over heels for. I need that person that makes me do stupid things in order to get her attention. I want to be in love.

I was watching Titanic the other night. Honestly, I was more captivated in that than the Superbowl. Bad, right?
As I was watching the relationship dynamic between Kate Winslet's and Leonardo DiCaprio's characters, I realized that I feel like Rose.
 I am in a spot in my life where I want to scream. I am uncomfortable and antsy. I want that person to come along that so moves me, that I can't help but act a bit crazy and obsessive. I need that. I need to find that passion for another. I wish to have a connection that I know will make me feel like I've come home.

I want to find you. The one that brings harmony to my life.

Sorry Sara, it was a mistake...

I've made another mistake in life that I need to learn from: I kinda suck at relationships.

Maybe it's the timing of the whole thing and that I'm simply not emotionally ready to commit to a woman, but I ended things with Sara last night.
I'm having a hard time staying interested in women these days. Between Helen, Stephanie, Emily, Kate and Sara, who are all perfectly lovely women...I just can't keep myself interested enough to allow a connection to last. I really hate it since it leaves them confused and hurt when I stop pursuing them.

While I know I'm naturally hard on myself, it was tough ending things with Sara. She's a nice girl, but I spent almost two entire weekends not talking with her and I was perfectly okay with it. That's when I knew that I just didn't care enough, which made me realize I had to end it before really anything began.
With these events, I think that maybe deep down I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I seem happy to do what I want and not be accountable to anyone else's feelings or needs.

I just don't want that burden right now.

To all you girls: I'm truly and deeply sorry for being such an ass. I can't seem to help it.

Two Cups of Coffee and a Life Coach

 I woke up this morning and I have been in a bit of a bad mood. It's that teetering balance between being depressed and frustrated.

I'm still trying to put my finger on what is bothering me despite the weekend events. I don't have the answers yet, but I think I'm annoyed with the lack of progress in my life thus far. I need to get things going but I'm just impatient to really put the work into making it happen.
I feel like I have no ambition and motivation to do anything and it's making me mad at myself. I feel like my life is going the way of Ian's. It's easy to see it in another and now I am facing the same problem.

I need to get motivated again.

In harmony with that thought, let's reassess our goals as a reminder:

•  I want to be a Counselor or Psychologist
•  I don't want to have to worry about money
• I want to be able to send my children wherever they want to go and spoil them to make up for their early years.
• I want to retire and move to Ireland and die there

If I'm going to accomplish those things, I need to get to work for the next decade.
(cracks whip)

"just a thought" Grrrr...

Today is a very upsetting day for me and it makes me want to scream. Everything was going fine until Gretchen e-mailed me with the subject "just a thought".

Who ever thought that "just a thought" could do such damage to my day.
In two days, I fly out to Maine. While I greatly look forward to seeing my children, I also have to attend a court hearing about getting my child support adjusted. Honestly, I wanted to work this out between Gretchen and I, but when I told her I couldn't afford to pay the $1,500, she said that if I wanted to get it changed I would have to go through the courts. And so I have.

I don't know if Gretchen realizes this, but I've only done the absolute best I can to take care of the family with one paycheck. I've given her almost everything I've got and haven't whined about it until it was absolutely necessary. But in a few days, I'm going to get my payments reduced in response to her completely dismissing my suggestions to get a full-time job. I know she'd like to be a stay-at-home mom, I get it. When I was making a lot more, I wanted to accommodate her. But I can't do that on my present salary and be able to take care of myself at all. I remember one month of living on $60.

Having her tell me to go to the courts was insulting and I was angry. This was so stupid. I don't know if she was trying to call my bluff or what, but I wasn't bluffing.
With me heading to Maine in two days, I got my "just a thought" e-mail:

 

I was speechless. I was angry.

My ex is suggesting I take a job in Canada. Not because it would bring me closer to the kids, but because I would be making more money. WHAT?!

I think she feels that if I made more money, she could count on my good graces that I would continue to overpay my child support to cater to her preferred lifestyle of being the stay-at-home mom.

How has she become so selfish and delusional? I've been thinking about it all afternoon to try and find a logical reason for all of this. Maybe she has a perspective I don't? 

I asked a coworker and she couldn't see any other reason besides money.

The nearest I can figure, Gretchen is scared. She is scared that her life is going to change and is looking to me to make it okay. She's a smart girl and I don't understand why she hasn't been listening to me. I hope she is able to take care of the kids...